Have I understood letting go of my self concept wron

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Have I understood letting go of my self concept wron

Postby samtheman » Fri May 03, 2013 2:26 pm

Hello everyone,

I don't know why, but I'm so harsh on my self. Sorry it is difficult to explain, but I find it very difficult to forgive me for very minor mistakes. For example, yesterday I borrowed some notes from my friend, and he asked me to return it in 2 days. I genuinly forgot and was only able to return it to him a day before the exam. It was not a major exam. Anyway this was a very careless and selfish by me, but I genuinly forgot and it was not my intention to do this. I have been lately labelled as selfish by few of my friends (I don't blame them). Anyway but I truly know in my heart that I'm far from selfish, and I really help my friends when they are in trouble . Now the thing is when something like thisn happens I find it very hard to forgive me. I keep telling myself what I did is selfish and I'm guilty about it.

Then for some strange reason, I'm thinking forgiving myself is like loving my self and been attached to myself (which is not a good thing in about buddhism). So I don't like to forgive myself because if i keep telling my self I'm very good, I'm very kind hearted etc it is like loving myself too much, and I'm scared I would be attached to myself a lot. Now I'm understanding that there is something wrong with my thinking and I have understood this letting go of self concept very wrong.

Also I'm starting to think, that to truly love and care for others. You must love yourself first.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. "

I was also wondering if this quotes suggests this. Your help would be appreciated. Thanks a lot :smile:
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Re: Have I understood letting go of my self concept wron

Postby purple planet » Fri May 03, 2013 2:47 pm

To forgive someone you need to know he really means it so if he says his sorry but dies the same thing again than its not ok -

so you can forgive yourself but next time if you take someone notes and now you learned how important it can be for someone than write down a small note that says something like : "dont forget to return notes to y before x date"
now if you do this you know you did all you can not to forget and can feel good about yourself -

if you learn from the past than you can fully forgive - i know this is not the answer to your question but its a partly answer hope it helps a bit
Please send merit to my dog named Mika who has passed away - thanks in advance
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Re: Have I understood letting go of my self concept wron

Postby daverupa » Fri May 03, 2013 3:55 pm

SN 42.8 wrote:"A disciple has faith in that teacher and reflects: 'The Blessed One in a variety of ways criticizes & censures the telling of lies, and says, "Abstain from the telling of lies." There are lies that I have told, to a greater or lesser extent. That was not right. That was not good. But if I become remorseful for that reason, that evil deed of mine will not be undone.' So, reflecting thus, he abandons right then the telling of lies, and in the future refrains from telling lies. This is how there comes to be the abandoning of that evil deed. This is how there comes to be the transcending of that evil deed.


But also, compassion for oneself isn't necessarily correct either. Aversion is no good, as above, but we are enjoined to protect ourselves & others with satipatthana, with a slight change depending on the emphasis:

SN 47.19 wrote:"And how do you watch after others when watching after yourself? Through cultivating [the practice], through developing it, through pursuing it. This is how you watch after others when watching after yourself.

"And how do you watch after yourself when watching after others? Through endurance, through harmlessness, through a mind of goodwill, & through sympathy. This is how you watch after yourself when watching after others.


Endurance, harmlessness, goodwill, and sympathy aren't really to be directed at oneself, here, but others. For ones own case, cultivating and sustaining satipatthana is prescribed.

Here is another related discussion, on shame & fear of wrongdoing, which may also be helpful.

:heart:
    "And how is it, bhikkhus, that by protecting oneself one protects others? By the pursuit, development, and cultivation of the four establishments of mindfulness. It is in such a way that by protecting oneself one protects others.

    "And how is it, bhikkhus, that by protecting others one protects oneself? By patience, harmlessness, goodwill, and sympathy. It is in such a way that by protecting others one protects oneself.
- Sedaka Sutta [SN 47.19]
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Re: Have I understood letting go of my self concept wron

Postby binocular » Fri May 03, 2013 6:18 pm

samtheman wrote:Then for some strange reason, I'm thinking forgiving myself is like loving my self and been attached to myself (which is not a good thing in about buddhism). So I don't like to forgive myself because if i keep telling my self I'm very good, I'm very kind hearted etc it is like loving myself too much, and I'm scared I would be attached to myself a lot. Now I'm understanding that there is something wrong with my thinking and I have understood this letting go of self concept very wrong.

Also I'm starting to think, that to truly love and care for others. You must love yourself first.


I think this has little to do with loving or hating oneself, but much more with being practical and learning from one's mistakes.
If you notice that you tend to forget stuff (especially if you're under stress), then there are practices of personal organization that you might try out. Such as carry a planner with you, write in what you have to do, check it regularly.
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