Acceptance of "Negative" Qualities

A discussion on all aspects of Theravāda Buddhism
Strive4Karuna
Posts: 318
Joined: Sun Dec 30, 2012 9:38 am

Acceptance of "Negative" Qualities

Post by Strive4Karuna »

I realize that a lot of my suffering comes from my judgemental personality. Because of this, I constanly critique others (almost always negatively) and judge myself the same. This has led to a lot of suffering because I sometimes feel I have no love, kindness, compassion for anybody as well as myself. In order to work against this, I have tried to learn to be accepting. To accept what I see as "negative" qualities in others and "negative" qualities In myself. But by taking this approach, is this the right way?? Ultimately I need to work towards overcoming such qualities like arrogance, jealously, self-centredness etc., but as a first step, is it okay to accept these qualities? Accept and "love" these qualities? Because by me telling myself that such "negative" states are "bad", I realize I have spent my entire life telling myself that I am "bad" and others are "bad" and this has caused so much anxiety, insecurity, negative feelings and suffering.

I have thought, well, I will learn to accept myself, good and bad, and after I do so, I will work towards removing the negative qualities. But when I look at it this way, Im still essentially telling myself these qualities are "bad" because how can you accept something you want to get rid of? Sorry to make this go on for so long, but i just realized what my question really is. How do you learn to accept a "negative" quality while still keeping yourself open towards overcoming it? And Sorry for saying myself like a thousand times, cant think of a different word. :tongue:
User avatar
Ben
Posts: 18438
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 12:49 am
Location: kanamaluka

Re: Acceptance of "Negative" Qualities

Post by Ben »

Hi S2K
These negative qualities are ephemeral, and transient.
Practice sila, and develop samadhi and panna.
Various forms of vipassana meditation will be good training to see the rise and fall of the phenomenology of thse negative qualities in stark relief. Samatha meditation will help you to develop the sensitivity of mind to observe the more subtle aspects of these mental qualities.
I have also found it beneficial to practice metta bhavana as a means of cultivating good will towards oneself and others.
Wishing you all the best,

Ben
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR

e: [email protected]..
User avatar
bodom
Posts: 7216
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 6:18 pm
Location: San Antonio, Texas

Re: Acceptance of "Negative" Qualities

Post by bodom »

The Buddha never taught acceptance with regard to unwholesome mind states. He taught right effort which is cultivating wholesome mind states to combat the negative. Develop generosity to overcome greed. Develop loving friendliness to overcome hatred. Develop wisdom to overcome delusion.

:anjali:
Liberation is the inevitable fruit of the path and is bound to blossom forth when there is steady and persistent practice. The only requirements for reaching the final goal are two: to start and to continue. If these requirements are met there is no doubt the goal will be attained. This is the Dhamma, the undeviating law.

- BB
User avatar
retrofuturist
Posts: 27848
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 9:52 pm
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Contact:

Re: Acceptance of "Negative" Qualities

Post by retrofuturist »

Greetings,
bodom wrote:The Buddha never taught acceptance with regard to unwholesome mind states. He taught right effort which is cultivating wholesome mind states to combat the negative. Develop generosity to overcome greed. Develop loving friendliness to overcome hatred. Develop wisdom to overcome delusion.
:goodpost:
Samyutta Nikaya II, 70 wrote:The noble ones praise the slaying of anger
-- with its honeyed crest & poison root --
for having killed it you do not grieve.
Metta,
Retro. :)
"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
SarathW
Posts: 21227
Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2012 2:49 am

Re: Acceptance of "Negative" Qualities

Post by SarathW »

This is how I try to get rid of my negative thoughts.

I remind myself that there is no permanent thing call I. Everything around us are aggregates so they all subject to impermanence. It is natural for the five aggregates to have negative thoughts due to ignorance.
So next time when you have negative though just be aware that it is a negative thoughts. Say “it is not me, it is not mine, it is not myself but they are just negative thoughts”
Then notice how your thoughts are moving from one object to another object. Then realise there is no a person but just the moving consciousness.

This knowledge will help you to develop Brhmaviharas

Metta
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”
User avatar
tiltbillings
Posts: 23046
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 9:25 am

Re: Acceptance of "Negative" Qualities

Post by tiltbillings »

Strive4Karuna wrote:Ultimately I need to work towards overcoming such qualities like arrogance, jealously, self-centredness etc., but as a first step, is it okay to accept these qualities?
In as much as it is expected that you should show lovingkindness and compassion towards others, it is a good thing to extend lovingkindness and compassion towards yourself, which means a certain degree of self acceptance. And as you work to deal with the negative stuff, don't be harsh with yourself for your failings. It can be a slow, uncomfortable work, but be kind to yourself.

You may find this book of help: A Path with Heart: A Guide Through the Perils and Promises of Spiritual Life by Jack Kornfield
>> Do you see a man wise [enlightened/ariya] in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.<< -- Proverbs 26:12

This being is bound to samsara, kamma is his means for going beyond. -- SN I, 38.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” HPatDH p.723
User avatar
waterchan
Posts: 699
Joined: Fri May 07, 2010 7:17 pm
Location: Kamaloka

Re: Acceptance of "Negative" Qualities

Post by waterchan »

Strive4Karuna wrote:How do you learn to accept a "negative" quality while still keeping yourself open towards overcoming it?
The Buddha did not say that "negative" qualities should be either accepted or rejected, merely studied and contemplated.

Your suffering is largely perpetuated by the persistent illusion is the idea that these qualities are "my negative qualities". You experience these negative feelings, but they are not yours.
quidquid Latine dictum sit altum videtur
(Anything in Latin sounds profound.)
User avatar
retrofuturist
Posts: 27848
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 9:52 pm
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Contact:

Re: Acceptance of "Negative" Qualities

Post by retrofuturist »

Greetings Waterchan,
waterchan wrote:The Buddha did not say that "negative" qualities should be either accepted or rejected, merely studied and contemplated.
How do you account for this, then...?
SN 45.8 wrote:"And what, monks, is right effort?

"There is the case where a monk generates desire, endeavors, activates persistence, upholds & exerts his intent for the sake of the non-arising of evil, unskillful qualities that have not yet arisen.

[ii] "He generates desire, endeavors, activates persistence, upholds & exerts his intent for the sake of the abandonment of evil, unskillful qualities that have arisen.

[iii] "He generates desire, endeavors, activates persistence, upholds & exerts his intent for the sake of the arising of skillful qualities that have not yet arisen.

[iv] "He generates desire, endeavors, activates persistence, upholds & exerts his intent for the maintenance, non-confusion, increase, plenitude, development, & culmination of skillful qualities that have arisen."

Metta,
Retro. :)
"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
User avatar
waterchan
Posts: 699
Joined: Fri May 07, 2010 7:17 pm
Location: Kamaloka

Re: Acceptance of "Negative" Qualities

Post by waterchan »

Hello retro,

I'm not sure where the conflict lies?
quidquid Latine dictum sit altum videtur
(Anything in Latin sounds profound.)
makarasilapin
Posts: 62
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:46 pm

Re: Acceptance of "Negative" Qualities

Post by makarasilapin »

waterchan wrote:Hello retro,

I'm not sure where the conflict lies?
you don't just study and contemplate them - after you have determined that they are "negative" qualities of mind you fabricate skillful qualities in their stead, some of which are categorical like virtue.
User avatar
waterchan
Posts: 699
Joined: Fri May 07, 2010 7:17 pm
Location: Kamaloka

Re: Acceptance of "Negative" Qualities

Post by waterchan »

I meant that I don't see where the conflict lies between the tanha in the OP's powerful desire to be rid of his negative emotions and the chanda generated through samma vayama.

One is motivated by disgust while the other is discerned.
Last edited by waterchan on Mon Feb 04, 2013 10:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
quidquid Latine dictum sit altum videtur
(Anything in Latin sounds profound.)
User avatar
retrofuturist
Posts: 27848
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 9:52 pm
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Contact:

Re: Acceptance of "Negative" Qualities

Post by retrofuturist »

Greetings,
makarasilapin wrote:you don't just study and contemplate them - after you have determined that they are "negative" qualities of mind you fabricate skillful qualities in their stead
Right. It's not "merely stud[y] and contemplat[ion]"

Metta,
Retro. :)
"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
User avatar
waterchan
Posts: 699
Joined: Fri May 07, 2010 7:17 pm
Location: Kamaloka

Re: Acceptance of "Negative" Qualities

Post by waterchan »

You're both correct. "Merely" was a bad word to use there.
quidquid Latine dictum sit altum videtur
(Anything in Latin sounds profound.)
Strive4Karuna
Posts: 318
Joined: Sun Dec 30, 2012 9:38 am

Re: Acceptance of "Negative" Qualities

Post by Strive4Karuna »

bodom wrote:The Buddha never taught acceptance with regard to unwholesome mind states. He taught right effort which is cultivating wholesome mind states to combat the negative. Develop generosity to overcome greed. Develop loving friendliness to overcome hatred. Develop wisdom to overcome delusion.

:anjali:
But the Buddha also taught metta & karuna. Isnt acceptance a way of extending love? As long as I look at my self and others in disdain because of our shortcomings and unwholesome states, It will be difficult to show love and compassion towards everybody, myself included.
daverupa
Posts: 5980
Joined: Mon Jan 31, 2011 6:58 pm

Re: Acceptance of "Negative" Qualities

Post by daverupa »

Strive4Karuna wrote:It will be difficult to show love and compassion towards everybody, myself included.
One protects oneself, in this sense, via satipatthana & not the brahmaviharas.
  • "And how is it, bhikkhus, that by protecting oneself one protects others? By the pursuit, development, and cultivation of the four establishments of mindfulness. It is in such a way that by protecting oneself one protects others.

    "And how is it, bhikkhus, that by protecting others one protects oneself? By patience, harmlessness, goodwill, and sympathy. It is in such a way that by protecting others one protects oneself.

- Sedaka Sutta [SN 47.19]
Post Reply