Joke!!!

A place to discuss casual topics amongst spiritual friends.
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Roland
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Roland »

Sometimes I wonder: "Why is that frisbee getting bigger?"

And then it hits me.
"No tree becomes rooted and sturdy unless many a wind assails it. For by its very tossing it tightens its grip and plants its roots more securely; the fragile trees are those that have grown in a sunny valley."

--Seneca the Younger (57 BCE- 65 AD)
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Bhikkhu Pesala
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Evidence

Post by Bhikkhu Pesala »

The 25 year old driver was pulled out and taken to hospital with only minor injuries. Police are investigating, but say there's enough evidence to assume that he was speeding.
Evidence of Speeding.png
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

________________________________________
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
…………………………………………………..
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey,somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me-it's this bloody horse. What is he-deaf or something?''
The trainer replies, ''Deaf? DEAF? He's not deaf-he's BLIND!''
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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DNS
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by DNS »

An American tourist went to Cairo to visit the famous Polish rabbi Hafez Ayim. The tourist was surprised to see that the rabbi lived in a simple, book-lined room, in which the only pieces of furniture were a table and a bench.

'Rabbi, where's all your furniture?' asked the tourist.

'Why, where's yours?' retorted Hafez.
...
'Mine? But I'm just passing through.'

'So am I,' said the rabbi.

(like many Rabbi jokes, somewhat Dhammic with rebirth overtones) :toast:
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Valentine's Day Jokes - February 14th

A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'
Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

My One And Only
Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.
The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'
Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".'
The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'
Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

Question and Answer Valentine Jokes
Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.
Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.
Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an Apple.
Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!
Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.
Q: What is a ram's favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear
Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.
Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.
Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.
Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.

Valentine Dreams
One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," Jim said.
That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

500 Valentine Cards Sent by Desperate Man
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asked Mike.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

What did the stamp say to the envelope?
I'm stuck on you.

Love is Blind?
Phil, a smart
and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition.'
The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?'
Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.'
There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'

How Long Have You Been Married?
When a woman on the staff of the school where I worked became engaged, a friend and colleague offered her some advice.
'The first ten years are the hardest.'
'How long have you been married?' she asked.
'Ten years', he replied.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you`ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a `man`, Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he`ll give you a hard time. But, he`ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He`ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You`ll have to let him believe that I made him first."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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DNS
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by DNS »

cooran wrote: "You`ll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Very good. George Carlin once said, "if men were made first, why do they have nipples? What are those nipples for on men? Men are all just one chromosome spin away from being female"

(or something like that, words to that effect)
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Caught Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying xxxxxxx told you I was speeding too!
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Kare
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kare »

:rofl:
Mettāya,
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

"WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!"

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying A vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove All traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

An elderly Zuni man (native american) is having serious problems sleeping.
He falls asleep fine every night, but tosses and turns and eventually is woken up halfway through the night by disturbing dreams.
The insomnia is taking a toll on his health and driving his wife crazy too. He pursuades him to go see his GP.
The doctor asks him the problem, what is it specifically about these dreams that is so disturbing that he can't sleep?
The fellow says, well, the dreams are just so surreal - I dream I'm an inanimate object, it's so weird that I'm up worried about it all night.
One night I dream I'm a wigwam, the next night a teepee - wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee."

Doctor mulls it over, then says 'you know, i've read an article in a recent APA journal about this and I think I know what's wrong with you - you're just too tense!" (pr. "two tents" for the dim)
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Kare
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kare »

It happened at a New York Airport. A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A
single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try
to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm
sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Mettāya,
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

A kangaroo mum with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mum,
'These sleepovers are killing me.''
---------------------------------------------
What did the Australian invent while recycling?
The can guru.
--------------------------------------------
When do kangaroos celebrate birthdays?
during leap year.
..............................................
How do you serve a kangaroo a sandwich?
In pocket bread.
.............................................
Why did mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because the children had to play inside.
..............................................
What do you call a very tired kangaroo?
Out of bounds.
...............................................
What do you call dancing kangaroos?
Conga-roos
..............................................
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Kare
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Joined: Sun Feb 01, 2009 10:58 am
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kare »

Image

Bengt and Laila realized that "buddhist beach" was no printing error in the brochure after all!
Mettāya,
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