Joke!!!

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.

Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Sat Jun 18, 2011 6:11 pm

Two monks were sitting in a cave. One was silent. The other one said, ‘I could have done that’.
……………………………..

Dukkha, Anicca and Anatta walk into a bar. Dukkha says, “Life sucks!” Anicca says, “This will pass!” Anatta says, “You talkin’ to ME?!”
………………………………

Monk to another monk: I have been bitten by so many ticks in the forest. It’s awful.
Reply: It’s full moon tonight and after chanting the patimokkha we shall send metta to the lunaticks.
………………………………..
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Sat Jun 18, 2011 9:06 pm

How many monks does it take to change a light bulb?
They can’t. There are no light bulbs in the Vinaya.
———-
How many vipassana meditators does it take to change a light bulb?
No need. Just note: ‘darkness, darkness, darkness’.
———-
How many Buddhist scholars does it take to change a light bulb?
An internationally respected committee of academics, after deliberating all night, conclusively failed to agree on the meaning of the word ‘light bulb’.
Meanwhile, the sun came up.
———-
How many Abhidhamma scholars does it take to change a light bulb?
There are 20W light bulbs, 40W light bulbs, 80W light bulbs, 100W… 200W…
There are 6V light bulbs, 12V light bulbs, 120V light bulbs, 240V light bulbs…
There are incandescent bulbs, fluorescent bulbs…
There are clear light bulbs, pearled light bulbs, colored light bulbs…
There are screw-in light bulbs, bayonet light bulbs…
There are 20W light bulbs that are 6V, there are 20W light bulbs that are 12V… 120V… 240V…
There are 40W light bulbs that are 6V… 240V…
80W… 100W… 200W…
There are 20W light bulbs that are 6V incandescent…
There are 200W light bulbs that are 240V, florescent, coloured, and bayonet …
.................
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby Kim OHara » Sat Jun 18, 2011 10:45 pm

Thanks, Chris - I do like the Abhidhamma one. :smile:
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby icyteru » Sun Jun 19, 2011 9:01 pm

Bill Wong & Tina Wong, Chinese-Australian, have just give birth a baby.
But they confused because their child have black skin, curly hair.
When the nurse asking the name of the baby, Tina Wong answer stutterly: "Er...er...his name is Sam Ting Wong."
The most complete english tipitaka on the internet world. http://realtruthlife.blogspot.com .
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby chownah » Mon Jun 20, 2011 4:03 am

For a chuckle go to my membership profile and see what is my "Most active topic".
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Mon Jun 20, 2011 6:52 am

One CEO always scheduled staff meetings for 4:30 on Friday afternoons. One of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, the CEO explained, “I’ll tell you its very simple – it’s the only time of the week when none of you seems to want to argue with me.”

………………………………………………………..

Japanese soap manufacturing company received a complaint that a consumer
had bought a box of soap that was empty. Management tasked its engineers
to solve the problem permanently to avoid any reoccurrence.
The engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution
monitors manned by two people to watch all the soapboxes that passed
through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked
hard and they worked fast.
But a rank-and-file employee that was posed the same problem came out with
another solution. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed
it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soapbox
passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

………………………………………………………….
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby Sanghamitta » Mon Jun 20, 2011 7:51 am

The first is not so much a joke, as a tried and true strategy Cooran ! :smile:
The going for refuge is the door of entrance to the teachings of the Buddha.

Bhikku Bodhi.
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby punkinlunkin » Tue Jun 21, 2011 9:55 pm

These are great! A smile or laugh is what we all are trying to work towards.

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Re: Joke!!!

Postby David N. Snyder » Tue Jun 21, 2011 11:52 pm

THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these yeas, he had never thought about the box.


But one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.


When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'



'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Thu Jun 23, 2011 7:26 am

Polish man moved to Australia and married an Aussie girl..
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
But, one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say:
~~~Polish Remover*~~~*
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Mon Jun 27, 2011 8:38 am

The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes. He replied "It's easy" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top.

He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers. He laid out his chips and dip. His boss said, "That's a very innovative approach" and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Yuck, this tastes terrible!" his boss yelled.

The salesman replied "IT IS!
Want to buy a toothbrush?"
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Wed Jun 29, 2011 8:06 am

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby Ben » Wed Jun 29, 2011 8:12 am

If St Peter is dead, then why does he need to go to the toilet?
Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.

Taṃ nadīhi vijānātha:
sobbhesu padaresu ca,
saṇantā yanti kusobbhā,
tuṇhīyanti mahodadhī.

Sutta Nipata 3.725


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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Wed Jun 29, 2011 9:01 am

Hello Ben,

Well ..... according to answers.yahoo, (and you know they are always correct:)) at least the recently dead do do-do's. So ... it follows that a highly realised long-time dead person could do do-do's over much longer periods (don't you think???? :tongue: ).

Can dead people pee? serious scientific question?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index ... 739AAfKLvO
Do dead bodies urinate or poop?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index ... 539AA1VBVs

with mirthfull metta, :jumping:
Chris
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby Ben » Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:07 am

Well, no.
I disagree with your premise that St Peter is a "highly realized dead person". Furthermore, I don't understand how someone, purported to have died 2,000 years ago, needs to go to the toilet.
And what the hell are the "pearly gates"? Is that an entrance to a Vegas casino?
Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.

Taṃ nadīhi vijānātha:
sobbhesu padaresu ca,
saṇantā yanti kusobbhā,
tuṇhīyanti mahodadhī.

Sutta Nipata 3.725


Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR
Buddhist Life Stories of Australia

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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Wed Jun 29, 2011 12:30 pm

Hello Ben,

Now there is a big secret that you don't seem to have been made aware of...... I'm about to tell it to you, so ... be strong! :sage:

Ready? ..... :thinking:

''Not everything in jokes is real or true''!!!!

I know that will shock you - but often jokes contain completely untrue statements - all in an attempt to be ....

..... funny.

Just sit with this for a while, and it will become bearable eventually. :tongue:

with mahametta :console:
Chris
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby Ben » Wed Jun 29, 2011 12:32 pm

cooran wrote:''Not everything in jokes is real or true''!!!!


GET OUTA HERE!
Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.

Taṃ nadīhi vijānātha:
sobbhesu padaresu ca,
saṇantā yanti kusobbhā,
tuṇhīyanti mahodadhī.

Sutta Nipata 3.725


Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR
Buddhist Life Stories of Australia

e: ben.dhammawheel@gmail.com
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby sattva » Thu Jun 30, 2011 2:09 am

Chris, i just started reading this thread and this one was hilarious!!! :jumping: :clap: I need all the laughs i can get right now and will read a page a day. So keep them coming everyone!

cooran wrote:The Australian Taxation Office decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Thu Jun 30, 2011 7:07 am

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you."

As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Tue Jul 05, 2011 7:57 am

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! I thought, this is B******t I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ’English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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