Joke!!!

A place to discuss casual topics amongst spiritual friends.
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Two monks were sitting in a cave. One was silent. The other one said, ‘I could have done that’.
……………………………..

Dukkha, Anicca and Anatta walk into a bar. Dukkha says, “Life sucks!” Anicca says, “This will pass!” Anatta says, “You talkin’ to ME?!”
………………………………

Monk to another monk: I have been bitten by so many ticks in the forest. It’s awful.
Reply: It’s full moon tonight and after chanting the patimokkha we shall send metta to the lunaticks.
………………………………..
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

How many monks does it take to change a light bulb?
They can’t. There are no light bulbs in the Vinaya.
———-
How many vipassana meditators does it take to change a light bulb?
No need. Just note: ‘darkness, darkness, darkness’.
———-
How many Buddhist scholars does it take to change a light bulb?
An internationally respected committee of academics, after deliberating all night, conclusively failed to agree on the meaning of the word ‘light bulb’.
Meanwhile, the sun came up.
———-
How many Abhidhamma scholars does it take to change a light bulb?
There are 20W light bulbs, 40W light bulbs, 80W light bulbs, 100W… 200W…
There are 6V light bulbs, 12V light bulbs, 120V light bulbs, 240V light bulbs…
There are incandescent bulbs, fluorescent bulbs…
There are clear light bulbs, pearled light bulbs, colored light bulbs…
There are screw-in light bulbs, bayonet light bulbs…
There are 20W light bulbs that are 6V, there are 20W light bulbs that are 12V… 120V… 240V…
There are 40W light bulbs that are 6V… 240V…
80W… 100W… 200W…
There are 20W light bulbs that are 6V incandescent…
There are 200W light bulbs that are 240V, florescent, coloured, and bayonet …
.................
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Kim OHara
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara »

Thanks, Chris - I do like the Abhidhamma one. :smile:
Kim
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icyteru
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by icyteru »

Bill Wong & Tina Wong, Chinese-Australian, have just give birth a baby.
But they confused because their child have black skin, curly hair.
When the nurse asking the name of the baby, Tina Wong answer stutterly: "Er...er...his name is Sam Ting Wong."
The most complete english tipitaka on the internet world. http://realtruthlife.blogspot.com .
chownah
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by chownah »

For a chuckle go to my membership profile and see what is my "Most active topic".
chownah
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

One CEO always scheduled staff meetings for 4:30 on Friday afternoons. One of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, the CEO explained, “I’ll tell you its very simple – it’s the only time of the week when none of you seems to want to argue with me.”

………………………………………………………..

Japanese soap manufacturing company received a complaint that a consumer
had bought a box of soap that was empty. Management tasked its engineers
to solve the problem permanently to avoid any reoccurrence.
The engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution
monitors manned by two people to watch all the soapboxes that passed
through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked
hard and they worked fast.
But a rank-and-file employee that was posed the same problem came out with
another solution. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed
it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soapbox
passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

………………………………………………………….
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
Sanghamitta
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Sanghamitta »

The first is not so much a joke, as a tried and true strategy Cooran ! :smile:
The going for refuge is the door of entrance to the teachings of the Buddha.

Bhikku Bodhi.
punkinlunkin
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by punkinlunkin »

These are great! A smile or laugh is what we all are trying to work towards.

Bob
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DNS
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by DNS »

THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these yeas, he had never thought about the box.


But one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.


When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'



'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Polish man moved to Australia and married an Aussie girl..
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
But, one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say:
~~~Polish Remover*~~~*
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes. He replied "It's easy" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top.

He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers. He laid out his chips and dip. His boss said, "That's a very innovative approach" and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Yuck, this tastes terrible!" his boss yelled.

The salesman replied "IT IS!
Want to buy a toothbrush?"
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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cooran
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Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Ben
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Ben »

If St Peter is dead, then why does he need to go to the toilet?
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR

e: [email protected]..
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Hello Ben,

Well ..... according to answers.yahoo, (and you know they are always correct:)) at least the recently dead do do-do's. So ... it follows that a highly realised long-time dead person could do do-do's over much longer periods (don't you think???? :tongue: ).

Can dead people pee? serious scientific question?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index ... 739AAfKLvO" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Do dead bodies urinate or poop?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index ... 539AA1VBVs" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

with mirthfull metta, :jumping:
Chris
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Ben
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Ben »

Well, no.
I disagree with your premise that St Peter is a "highly realized dead person". Furthermore, I don't understand how someone, purported to have died 2,000 years ago, needs to go to the toilet.
And what the hell are the "pearly gates"? Is that an entrance to a Vegas casino?
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR

e: [email protected]..
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