A Sense of Belonging

[Wri]

Hey all,

Thank you to all those that read this topic and give it consideration. Your kindness is appreciated. You can skip down to "The question here" if you don't want to read the backstory.

Recently in a meditation I reached a rather important insight into the source of my largest craving. As with many people I have had a intense craving for relationships and sex and NO this is not a thread about sex (thankfully?). Since I was 10 years old I began seeking someone, anyone, to be with. In my later teens I began having sex and committed relationships and that lasted all of a few years. Now I am here without any of that almost 3.5 years later. That's been discussed already.

I recollected a sense of alienation I have with this world or rather the places I've been in it. I knew and know that my family loves me and will do anything for me but I don't seem to feel part of a family. Likewise, times of friendships have made me know that people like me, but I don't feel cared about. When I joined a Buddhist club, I was treated like family from the moment they saw me. I experienced wonderful things with wonderful people. Yet, I can know that I belong with them and they view me that way but I don't seem to feel it. I got my dream job and get to spend my life doing what I love, and yet I feel like I'm just a cog in an empty system. This all seem to fit into the craving for sex quite nicely. When I had sex in relationships, I actually had the feeling of belonging and so ensued the desperate pursuit of sexual relationships at all times in my life, until they all collapsed and I gave up on relationships.

So it seems the root of this "totally super serious important problematic craving for sex" that I've been dealing with for years upon years is just that need for belonging.

The question here is how does one deal with that feeling of the need to belong? I have been in many places and with many people that I can acknowledge I belong with, yet I always felt rather alienated, different, and unneeded deep in my mind or heart.

I have a feeling some loving kindness meditation directed at myself may be in order. Are there other suggestions? Has anyone successfully handled this issue? Is the wanting to belong just another craving to let go of?

Thank you for your responses

[Aloka]

Hi Wri,

This extract from a Dhamma talk by Ajahn Sundara – "The Wisdom of Emotions" might be helpful in some way:

http://www.amaravati.org/wisdom-emotions/

With kind wishes,

Aloka

[chownah]

The question here is how does one deal with that feeling of the need to belong? I have been in many places and with many people that I can acknowledge I belong with, yet I always felt rather alienated, different, and unneeded deep in my mind or heart.

You say that you acknowledge that there are many people that you belong with. What does it mean that you belong with those people?
chownah

[Herbie]

Often such phenomena have their cause in early childhood. That means that since this coining period is gone the effect will persist for the rest of life. In such a case to accept the situation is the prerequisite for stopping the endless and hopeless search for something one will never find and to gain the degree of autonomy and self-confidence that is necessary in life.

[mal4mac]

The following may be useful:

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka ... .than.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Thisperson]

The question here is how does one deal with that feeling of the need to belong? I have been in many places and with many people that I can acknowledge I belong with, yet I always felt rather alienated, different, and unneeded deep in my mind or heart.

I have a feeling some loving kindness meditation directed at myself may be in order. Are there other suggestions? Has anyone successfully handled this issue? Is the wanting to belong just another craving to let go of?

Thank you for your responses

I'm afraid you are trying to feel the impossible. How can "we" belong to a group when "we" are constantly changing. The people in the group are constantly changing. The group itself is constantly changing. Everything is constantly changing. The whole world is like this. Anicca, dukkha, anatta. We can try, and try, and try to fit in and make ourselves perfect and control the world to get things just right, but it will never happen as everything constantly changes. There's nothing wrong with this if we don't have the attitude that something is wrong, it's just how things are. If we look for satisfaction in the world we will be met with dukkha. This is the whole reason for the path, to find relief that is not dependent on anything, the unconditioned.

Ajahn Chah's wisdom is relevant to your situation.

phpBB .

Here's text of the same talk if you would like to read it.
https://www.ajahnchah.org/book/Right_View_Place.php

[Wri]

Thank you all for your responses. I'll check out all those links.

Often such phenomena have their cause in early childhood. That means that since this coining period is gone the effect will persist for the rest of life. In such a case to accept the situation is the prerequisite for stopping the endless and hopeless search for something one will never find and to gain the degree of autonomy and self-confidence that is necessary in life.

Yes this really rings true for me. I was spoiled far too much in my childhood and perhaps this led to the conditioning that I feel I deserve the highest care and affection from the world, even without being consciously aware of it. So when other people do not give me all that they potentially could, I feel lacking.

The question here is how does one deal with that feeling of the need to belong? I have been in many places and with many people that I can acknowledge I belong with, yet I always felt rather alienated, different, and unneeded deep in my mind or heart.

You say that you acknowledge that there are many people that you belong with. What does it mean that you belong with those people?
chownah

I suppose it means that they accept me there, want me there, and I'm afraid to say, need me there (oh my gosh, how egotistical!). I think it is the brain looking for a sense of security in the world despite all things being impermanent, non-self, and unsatisfactory.

The question here is how does one deal with that feeling of the need to belong? I have been in many places and with many people that I can acknowledge I belong with, yet I always felt rather alienated, different, and unneeded deep in my mind or heart.

I have a feeling some loving kindness meditation directed at myself may be in order. Are there other suggestions? Has anyone successfully handled this issue? Is the wanting to belong just another craving to let go of?

Thank you for your responses

I'm afraid you are trying to feel the impossible. How can "we" belong to a group when "we" are constantly changing. The people in the group are constantly changing. The group itself is constantly changing. Everything is constantly changing. The whole world is like this. Anicca, dukkha, anatta. We can try, and try, and try to fit in and make ourselves perfect and control the world to get things just right, but it will never happen as everything constantly changes. There's nothing wrong with this if we don't have the attitude that something is wrong, it's just how things are. If we look for satisfaction in the world we will be met with dukkha. This is the whole reason for the path, to find relief that is not dependent on anything, the unconditioned.

Ajahn Chah's wisdom is relevant to your situation.

phpBB .

Here's text of the same talk if you would like to read it.
https://www.ajahnchah.org/book/Right_View_Place.php

Thank you, this is true. Perhaps "belonging" is just another word for security and a more formal way of saying "pleeease take care of meee!"
The only security we can truly gain in this world is the security we give ourselves, through the Noble Eightfold Path.


I think I will need to spend more time in insight meditation. I have been putting that off lately because of the new job and me being "too tired" to sit and watch things.

Thanks everyone for your contributions and to everyone that replies from here on out.