Well, in a nutshell, I´m addicted to Internet pornography. Being addicted to porn is a very complex scenario... there are A LOT of psychological issues involved. To put it all into words would be very hard and long and I´m not here to play the victim, but to ask for your kind advice.
Knowing that this problem is a disease of the mind, Ive been using mindfulness and sitting meditation (1 hour a day) for approx. 3 months in order to overcome the addiction and in general, to improve my life. I can definitely see the changes. Just to name a few:
* I am less anxious and stressed
* I can identify my toughts and feelings more
* I already gained control over a Facebook addiction
* I am a more patient person
When fighting an addiction, there are days when you feel great and you say to yourself "I dont know how I could waste my time watching porn in the past. It´s just pathetic. This clean life is great!" Those are the days you are safe and life is good.
Also, there are days when the cravings are REALLY REALLY strong and relapsing into your old habits seems really appealing. Most of these are times when you are feeling anxious or stressed about life... or maybe something didnt went the way you wanted and that puts you in a low mood.
So guess what? Your mind reminds that you have a way of numbing this feelings...
These days your thoughts go in two directions: The ones that tell you to DONT DO IT and the ones that tell you that relapsing is going to make you feel good.
In my case, the cravings come as mental flashbacks of porn scenes Ive watched in the past. When this starts happening I always take a deep breath and repeat to myself that these thoughts have no power over me. This can calm me down for a few minutes or hours, but then the thougths come back again and it seems as my willpower or "rational part" becomes weaker and weaker. Eventually a relapse takes place. Shame, Guilt and Depression kicks in again....
Saying after a relapse: "Thats it, I´m done with this... I wont do it never again" is very common, but not really realistic.
So I have been reading a lot of stuff to help myself... One of the things that really stuck with me were this words form a psychological article about addiction:
And then, today I came across with this Buddhist text, that reminded me the same thing:All addiction is caused by suppression of feelings. If we could learn how to Feel our emotions rather than fear them, ALL addictions and recovery programs would literally cease to exist.
"The first of these distinctions, drawn in Text I,2(1), revolves around the response to painful feelings. Both the worldling and the noble disciple experience painful bodily feelings, but they respond to these feelings differently. The worldling reacts to them with aversion and therefore, on top of the painful bodily feeling, also experiences a painful mental feeling: sorrow, resentment, or distress. The noble disciple, when afflicted with bodily pain, endures such feeling patiently, without sorrow, resentment, or distress. It is commonly assumed that physical and mental pain are inseparably linked, but the Buddha makes a clear demarcation between the two. He holds that while bodily existence is inevitably bound up with physical pain, such pain need not trigger the emotional reactions of misery, fear, resentment, and distress with which we habitually respond to it. Through mental training we can develop the mindfulness and clear comprehension necessary to endure physical pain courageously, with patience and equanimity. Through insight we can develop sufficient wisdom to overcome our dread of painful feelings and our need to seek relief in distracting binges of sensual self indulgence.
“Monks, when the uninstructed worldling experiences a painful feeling, he sorrows, grieves, and laments; he weeps beating his breast and becomes distraught. He feels two feelings—a bodily one and a mental one. Suppose they were to strike a man with a dart, and then strike him immediately afterward with a second dart, so that the man would feel a feeling caused by two darts. So too, when the uninstructed worldling experiences a painful feeling, he feels two feelings—a bodily one and a mental one.
“While experiencing that same painful feeling, he harbors aversion toward it. When he harbors aversion toward painful feeling, the underlying tendency to aversion toward painful feeling lies behind this. While experiencing painful feeling, he seeks delight in sensual pleasure. For what reason? Because the uninstructed worldling does not know of any escape from painful feeling other than sensual pleasure. When he seeks delight in sensual pleasure, the underlying tendency to lust for pleasant feeling lies behind this. He does not understand as it really is the origin and the passing away, the gratification, the danger, and the escape in the case of these feelings. When he does not understand these things, the underlying tendency to ignorance in regard to neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling lies behind this.
“If he feels a pleasant feeling, he feels it attached. If he feels a painful feeling, he feels it attached. If he feels a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling, he feels it attached. This, monks, is called an uninstructed worldling who is attached to birth, aging, and death; who is attached to sorrow, lamentation, pain, dejection, and despair; who is attached to suffering, I say.
“Monks, when the instructed noble disciple experiences a painful feeling, he does not sorrow, grieve, or lament; he does not weep beating his breast and become distraught. He feels one feeling—a bodily one, not a mental one. Suppose they were to strike a man with a dart, but they would not strike him immediately afterward with a second dart, so that the man would feel a feeling caused by one dart only. So too, when the instructed noble disciple experiences a painful feeling, he feels one feeling—a bodily one, and not a mental one.
“While experiencing that same painful feeling, he harbors no aversion toward it. Since he harbors no aversion toward painful feeling, the underlying tendency to aversion toward painful feeling does not lie behind this. While experiencing painful feeling, he does not seek delight in sensual pleasure. For what reason? Because the instructed noble disciple knows of an escape from painful feeling other than sensual pleasure. Since he does not seek delight in sensual pleasure, the underlying tendency to lust for pleasant feeling does not lie behind this. He understands as it really is the origin and the passing away, the gratification, the danger, and the escape in the case of these feelings. Since he understands these things, the underlying tendency to ignorance in regard to neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling does not lie behind this.
“If he feels a pleasant feeling, he feels it detached. If he feels a painful feeling, he feels it detached. If he feels a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling, he feels it detached. This, monks, is called a noble disciple who is detached from birth, aging, and death; who is detached from sorrow, lamentation, pain, dejection, and despair; who is detached from suffering, I say.
“This, monks, is the distinction, the disparity, the difference between the instructed noble disciple and the uninstructed worldling.”
(SN 36:6; IV 207–10)"
So, Ive been thinking that maybe my problem is that Im not capable of dealing with how I feel. I´m so conditioned to acting out (watch porn) when I feel bad that now when I try to make the right choice Im powerless over my cravings.
Do you have any advice for me? Any books or articles I can read to help me out on my path to recovery?
Thanks in advance
Sorry for the long post!
Happy new year from Central America!