How Compassionate Must A Buddhist Be

[No_Mind]

I need advise regarding a strange topic. Since I turned a Buddhist about 18 months back relatives, friends, acquaintances have come to believe I am some kind of ocean of karuna (not joking but truthfully). They have the mistaken idea that they can wallow in self pity and I am bound to listen to them and be sympathetic.

What is Buddhist reaction to self pity (I cannot stay silent. In a conversation people poke and prod "do you not think I am the saddest person who ever lived"). Is there any stern admonition from Buddha about self pity. I can explain that teaching to them and they will after a while get the message.

For some unknown reason people think Buddhists are an emotional punching bag. One can dump all ones negativity on to a Buddhist and he can somehow metabolize all the suffering (perhaps misunderstanding of Noble truths by non Buddhists)

[culaavuso]

It may be helpful to read Metta Means Goodwill by Ven. Thanissaro Bhikkhu. Compassion is just one of the four sublime attitudes. It seems that compassion means acting to create the causes for others to find their own happiness. Neither responding with aversion nor encouraging self pity seem to be the most compassionate choices. One possibility when confronted with expressions of self pity is to demonstrate appropriate attention in response: focus on what can be done to resolve the basis of the self pity, and try to assist in resolving those problems without being demeaning or confrontational. Such an approach could be viewed as an indirect way of demonstrating the futility of self pity while showing a more skillful approach to specific causes of suffering and stress.

The first set of phrases comes in a passage where the Buddha recommends thoughts to counter ill will. These phrases are chanted daily in Theravada communities the world over:

May these beings — free from animosity, free from oppression, and free from trouble — look after themselves with ease.
— AN 10.176

Notice that last statement: "May they look after themselves with ease." You're not saying that you're going to be there for all beings all the time. And most beings would be happier knowing that they could depend on themselves rather than having to depend on you.
...
In repeating these phrases, you wish not only that beings be happy, but also that they avoid the actions that would lead to bad karma, to their own unhappiness. You realize that happiness has to depend on action: For people to find true happiness, they have to understand the causes for happiness and act on them. They also have to understand that true happiness is harmless. If it depends on something that harms others, it's not going to last. Those who are harmed are sure to do what they can to destroy that happiness. And then there's the plain quality of sympathy: If you see someone suffering, it's painful. If you have any sensitivity at all, it's hard to feel happy when you know that your happiness is causing suffering for others.

So again, when you express goodwill, you're not saying that you're going to be there for them all the time. You're hoping that all beings will wise up about how to find happiness and be there for themselves.

[No_Mind]

Culaavuso, I meant is there some Sutta where Buddha admonishes self pity and says it is wrong or something similar.

I am looking for something I can quote quickly and get out of the situation. Like smart alecs question me why is there no God in Buddhism and I quote back the Malunkyovada Sutta to put a dead stop to the conversation (God and metaphysical speculation is immaterial to Nibbana)

[SarathW]

Culaavuso, I meant is there some Sutta where Buddha admonishes self pity and says it is wrong or something similar.

I am looking for something I can quote quickly and get out of the situation. Like smart alecs question me why is there no God in Buddhism and I quote back the Malunkyovada Sutta to put a dead stop to the conversation (God and metaphysical speculation is immaterial to Nibbana)

Just imagine that I try to quote some thing quick and get out of your question.
I think it requires lot of patient and time to exercise Brahama Viharas.
For that you should have lot of time in your hand.

[No_Mind]

Sarath please try and understand my point. Because I brought in lot of lifestyle changes at the time I became a Buddhist which kind of set me apart from others (not drinking, smoking, not using foul language, being more patient, watching less tv and so on) people around me assumed on the whole that I have become some sort of spiritual guru + agony aunt (though I never gave that impression)

Now if I am going to be patient and kind with everyone, nothing will get done. I have a profession to attend to and a house to clean and so on. I tried to tell people that please do not disturb me. At which they said "you are a Buddhist and you cannot answer harshly!!!".

I mean burden of compassion falls on Buddhists that perhaps no one else has to bear.

If I cultivate Brahma Vihara qualities it will be at a time and place of my choosing; not to help my friends with their problems.

Does being a Buddhist mean I have to help others? (not to mean a situation like an accident or emergency but the general whining people do)

[cooran]

Hello No_Mind, all

It may be worth considering the big difference between Idiot and Wise compassion:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ed-and-de ... 41019.html

With metta,
Chris

[No_Mind]

Cooran it is not a case of wise compassion or idiot compassion. How to tell people I have no compassion (apart from "tchk tchk you are passing through a hard time now can I please go and watch World Cup football because after that I have to meditate and be in bed by 11 at night")

Somehow everyone has come to expect a lot of things from me since I became a Buddhist. They expect me to be calm and provide a shoulder to cry on and be patient and wise and ... I am just a normal person who likes to meditate and read teachings of Buddha. And I am a newbie Buddhist only 18 months old or so and freshly minted (no dents no scratches with new car smell )

[Dan74]

Does being a Buddhist mean I have to help others? (not to mean a situation like an accident or emergency but the general whining people do)

Well, if being a Buddhist means a fast track to bliss and enlightenment and screw the rest, then I think you've got it all backwards, my friend.

Do you see the irony in you (and many other people) coming here with their questions and problems and many good folks here listen patiently and try to respond appropriately? Even to this thread which seems to be about finding a way out of listening patiently and responding appropriately.

I guess if cultivating patience and good will now (not when you feel like it) doesn't sit well with you, maybe it's time to examine your motivations in engaging in this path?

[Mkoll]

I cannot stay silent.

In some cases, that's the best course of action. With some people in some situations, whatever you say will just make things worse for both you and them.

Also, I suggest that you don't advertise that you're Buddhist if you don't want to invite these kinds of situations. Although it's too late to do that for those who already know, in the future you can be more circumspect.

[No_Mind]

Does being a Buddhist mean I have to help others? (not to mean a situation like an accident or emergency but the general whining people do)

Well, if being a Buddhist means a fast track to bliss and enlightenment and screw the rest, then I think you've got it all backwards, my friend.

Do you see the irony in you (and many other people) coming here with their questions and problems and many good folks here listen patiently and try to respond appropriately? Even to this thread which seems to be about finding a way out of listening patiently and responding appropriately.

I guess if cultivating patience and good will now (not when you feel like it) doesn't sit well with you, maybe it's time to examine your motivations in engaging in this path?

I appreciate your direct approach Dan. I am a newbie. I am still struggling to find a "new normal". All I want to do is meditate and read more about Buddhism (I have always been kind in general to people through my life; not rude)

Am I expected to be compassionate? Why? Can those who have been on the path longer explain it to me (NoBSBuddhist and others very nicely sorted out some dilemmas I was having with my elderly parent)

I do not know the answer. If you opine I have to be more compassionate I will be. But do I have to be (specially) compassionate over and above normal compassion that decent people have?

[No_Mind]

Mkoll, due my change in lifestyle it kind of became known. I had no hand in it. I became a vegetarian, left smoking, I used to drink on occasions and I left that also, I became quieter and so on. People asked what changed and I said err I became a Buddhist.

[Dan74]

Does being a Buddhist mean I have to help others? (not to mean a situation like an accident or emergency but the general whining people do)

Well, if being a Buddhist means a fast track to bliss and enlightenment and screw the rest, then I think you've got it all backwards, my friend.

Do you see the irony in you (and many other people) coming here with their questions and problems and many good folks here listen patiently and try to respond appropriately? Even to this thread which seems to be about finding a way out of listening patiently and responding appropriately.

I guess if cultivating patience and good will now (not when you feel like it) doesn't sit well with you, maybe it's time to examine your motivations in engaging in this path?

I appreciate your direct approach Dan. I am a newbie. I am still struggling to find a "new normal". All I want to do is meditate and read more about Buddhism (I have always been kind in general to people through my life; not rude)

Am I expected to be compassionate? Why? Can those who have been on the path longer explain it to me (NoBSBuddhist and others very nicely sorted out some dilemmas I was having with my elderly parent)

I do not know the answer. If you opine I have to be more compassionate I will be. But do I have to be (specially) compassionate over and above normal compassion that decent people have?

I still feel likle a newbie myself, No_Mind, so this is just a view of a fellow practitioner. My take is that it's not that we are expected or supposed to be this way or that way, but we undertake to cultivate qualities. If we take it as a requirement, it won't be sincere and resentment will build up. Instead we work with our kamma, our personality and habits as they are right now, paying careful attention as thoughts, feelings and habitual responses arise and avoid doing harm.

So if you feel people are assuming you are a saint all of a sudden, you can openly tell them you are still you, imperfect, but working on it. If you feel people are trying to take advantage of you, you can draw the line there too. Honestly is almost always the best policy and pretending to be someone you are not, always backfires sooner or later.

[SarathW]

It appears to me that you are impatient due to withdrawal syndrome.
Give bit more time and you will be calm down.

[No_Mind]

I still feel likle a newbie myself, No_Mind, so this is just a view of a fellow practitioner. My take is that it's not that we are expected or supposed to be this way or that way, but we undertake to cultivate qualities. If we take it as a requirement, it won't be sincere and resentment will build up. Instead we work with our kamma, our personality and habits as they are right now, paying careful attention as thoughts, feelings and habitual responses arise and avoid doing harm.

So if you feel people are assuming you are a saint all of a sudden, you can openly tell them you are still you, imperfect, but working on it. If you feel people are trying to take advantage of you, you can draw the line there too. Honestly is almost always the best policy and pretending to be someone you are not, always backfires sooner or later.

I think I have somehow been misunderstood by those close to me as a freshly minted saint instead of a freshly minted Buddhist. I have to set the record straight - that I am a person who like others has to do infinite number of tasks in finite number of hours and for people to take their moaning elsewhere.

I have to be rude but so be it

[Dan74]

I still feel likle a newbie myself, No_Mind, so this is just a view of a fellow practitioner. My take is that it's not that we are expected or supposed to be this way or that way, but we undertake to cultivate qualities. If we take it as a requirement, it won't be sincere and resentment will build up. Instead we work with our kamma, our personality and habits as they are right now, paying careful attention as thoughts, feelings and habitual responses arise and avoid doing harm.

So if you feel people are assuming you are a saint all of a sudden, you can openly tell them you are still you, imperfect, but working on it. If you feel people are trying to take advantage of you, you can draw the line there too. Honestly is almost always the best policy and pretending to be someone you are not, always backfires sooner or later.

I think I have somehow been misunderstood by those close to me as a freshly minted saint instead of a freshly minted Buddhist. I have to set the record straight - that I am a person who like others has to do infinite number of tasks in finite number of hours and for people to take their moaning elsewhere.

I have to be rude but so be it

This might be, but also consider that if genuine opportunities to help other arise, they are precious both for your practice and for the person who is being helped. If moaning arises, this is an opportunity for you to practice patience. This might change the way you see and experience these events.