How to deal with people who are disrespectful

A discussion on all aspects of Theravāda Buddhism

How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby violetyoga » Sun Oct 13, 2013 3:06 pm

Hello all.

I consider myself fairly new to Buddhism but am trying to follow the eightfold path.

I am a huge animal lover, although admittedly I am not a vegetarian. I have tried and
ended up getting quite sick when I was in my teens. I
Am currently in my late 20s and have attempted again to
adopt a mainly veg diet. So far so good. I am taking
supplements and find it is easier now that I am older.

But this is not about me being a vegetarian.

My question to my fellow Buddhists is, how do you
deal with people who make you angry and upset?
With people who, for example, have no issues with
abusing animals and make horrible comments about
The welfare of animals. I have recently had a conversation
with someone who basically laughed me out when I
indicated that our legislation should change surrounding
the welfare of farmed animals and how they should be
treated with respect and not made to live a life
of pain in suffering I'm factory farms. I realize not
everyone can be a vegetarian and there are better
and kinder ways to farm livestock. It has been done.

So, I have a difficult time dealing with people who have
little compassion for other living things. I usually
try to respond by providing information or alternative
views on the issue but anger is not far behind.

How do you deal with people like that?
How do you deal with your own feelings of anger
and dislike (to say the least).
How would you deal with an animal abuser?
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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby Sam Vara » Sun Oct 13, 2013 5:03 pm

Hi violetyoga, and welcome to DW!

My advice is to try out different ways of looking at what these people say, and how it affects you. Then experiment a bit, to see what works for you in decreasing your feelings of anger towards these people. Focus on your own feelings before you try to change their beliefs, as you are never going to eliminate all the cruelty and mockery in the world; and even if you try, it is best to start from positive feelings rather than a sense of being aggrieved. You might want to have a look at the following sutta:

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an05/an05.162.than.html

It lists some practical "thought experiments" which you can try out.
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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby dagon » Sun Oct 13, 2013 11:41 pm

Hi violetyoga -welcome to Dhamma Wheel

You might find it valuable to listen to some of the dhamma talks by Ajahn Brahm

Often we argue because our personal view points are challenged and we want to be 'right' and we want others to see the 'truth'. Arguments, however, do not always lead to truth and often there is no absolute truth. It is also acceptable to be wrong from time to time.

According to Ajahn Brahm, we should not argue for the sake of truth, instead we should FEEL truth. Feelings such as contentment, peace, freedom, stillness and joy transcend time, culture and arguments themselves.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gM4Huj_yfe4

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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby violetyoga » Mon Oct 14, 2013 12:10 am

Thank you Paul.

I just have a hard time thinking that a compassionate eye for animals may be wrong compared to an abusive one? I think we can all agree that an animal abuser who kicks dogs or fights them to the death for example, is definitely not "right." or a mother who abuses her child? I think I can accept that as truth or fact - as being wrong and bad.

How then, do we respond to people like that? Do we try to look at the bright side? What do we do about their destruction and abuse to others? Do we have a responsibility? And towards whom?

I'm sorry but I would love some insight on what everyone thinks about this and how they deal with their feelings of hatred and disgust? In my situation, the topic of animal abuse is especially touchy.
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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby Ben » Mon Oct 14, 2013 12:22 am

violetyoga wrote:I'm sorry but I would love some insight on what everyone thinks about this and how they deal with their feelings of hatred and disgust? In my situation, the topic of animal abuse is especially touchy.


Instead of focusing on how to deal with "people like that", you should instead focus on what is going on inside you.

I hope the following is helpful to you:

Everyone seeks peace and harmony, because this is what we lack in our lives. From time to time we all experience agitation, irritation, dishar­mony. And when we suffer from these miseries, we don't keep them to ourselves; we often distribute them to others as well. Unhappiness permeates the atmosphere around someone who is miserable, and those who come in contact with such a person also become affected. Certainly this is not a skillful way to live.

We ought to live at peace with ourselves, and at peace with others. After all, human beings are social beings, having to live in society and deal with each other. But how are we to live peacefully? How are we to remain harmonious within, and maintain peace and harmony around us, so that others can also live peacefully and harmoniously?

In order to be relieved of our misery, we have to know the basic reason for it, the cause of the suffering. If we investigate the problem, it becomes clear that whenever we start generating any negativity or impurity in the mind, we are bound to become unhappy. A negativity in the mind, a mental defilement or impurity, cannot coexist with peace and harmony.

How do we start generating negativity? Again, by investigation, it becomes clear. We become unhappy when we find someone behaving in a way that we don't like, or when we find something happening which we don't like. Unwanted things happen and we create tension within. Wanted things do not happen, some obstacle comes in the way, and again we create tension within; we start tying knots within. And throughout life, unwanted things keep on happening, wanted things may or may not happen, and this process of reaction, of tying knots—Gordian knots—makes the entire mental and physical structure so tense, so full of negativity, that life becomes miserable.

Now, one way to solve this problem is to arrange that nothing unwanted happens in life, that everything keeps on happening exactly as we desire. Either we must develop the power, or somebody else who will come to our aid must have the power, to see that unwanted things do not happen and that everything we want happens. But this is impossible. There is no one in the world whose desires are always fulfilled, in whose life everything happens according to his or her wishes, without anything unwanted happening. Things constantly occur that are contrary to our desires and wishes. So the question arises: how can we stop reacting blindly when confronted with things that we don't like? How can we stop creating tension and remain peaceful and harmonious?

In India, as well as in other countries, wise saintly persons of the past studied this problem—the problem of human suffering—and found a solution: if something unwanted happens and you start to react by generating anger, fear or any negativity, then, as soon as possible, you should divert your attention to something else. For example, get up, take a glass of water, start drinking—your anger won't multiply; on the other hand, it'll begin to subside. Or start counting: one, two, three, four. Or start repeating a word, or a phrase, or some mantra, perhaps the name of a god or saintly person towards whom you have devotion; the mind is diverted, and to some extent you'll be free of the negativity, free of the anger.

This solution was helpful; it worked. It still works. Responding like this, the mind feels free from agitation. However, the solution works only at the conscious level. In fact, by diverting the attention you push the negativity deep into the unconscious, and there you continue to generate and multiply the same defilement. On the surface there is a layer of peace and harmony, but in the depths of the mind there is a sleeping volcano of suppressed negativity which sooner or later may erupt in a violent explosion.

Other explorers of inner truth went still further in their search and, by experiencing the reality of mind and matter within themselves, recognized that diverting the attention is only running away from the problem. Escape is no solution; you have to face the problem. Whenever negativity arises in the mind, just observe it, face it. As soon as you start to observe a mental impurity, it begins to lose its strength and slowly withers away.

A good solution; it avoids both extremes—suppression and expression. Burying the negativity in the unconscious will not eradicate it, and allowing it to manifest as unwholesome physical or vocal actions will only create more problems. But if you just observe, then the defilement passes away and you are free of it.

This sounds wonderful, but is it really practical? It's not easy to face one's own impurities. When anger arises, it so quickly overwhelms us that we don't even notice. Then, overpowered by anger, we perform physical or vocal actions which harm ourselves and others. Later, when the anger has passed, we start crying and repenting, begging pardon from this or that person or from God: “Oh, I made a mistake, please excuse me!” But the next time we are in a similar situation, we again react in the same way. This continual repenting doesn't help at all.

The difficulty is that we are not aware when negativity starts. It begins deep in the unconscious mind, and by the time it reaches the conscious level it has gained so much strength that it overwhelms us, and we cannot observe it.

Suppose that I employ a private secretary, so that whenever anger arises he says to me, “Look, anger is starting!” Since I cannot know when this anger will start, I'll need to hire three private secretaries for three shifts, around the clock! Let's say I can afford it, and anger begins to arise. At once my secretary tells me, “Oh look—anger has started!” The first thing I'll do is rebuke him: “You fool! You think you're paid to teach me?” I'm so overpowered by anger that good advice won't help.

Suppose wisdom does prevail and I don't scold him. Instead, I say, “Thank you very much. Now I must sit down and observe my anger.” Yet, is it possible? As soon as I close my eyes and try to observe anger, the object of the anger immediately comes into my mind—the person or incident which initiated the anger. Then I'm not observing the anger itself; I'm merely observing the external stimulus of that emotion. This will only serve to multiply the anger, and is therefore no solution. It is very difficult to observe any abstract negativity, abstract emotion, divorced from the external object which originally caused it to arise.

However, someone who reached the ultimate truth found a real solution. He discovered that whenever any impurity arises in the mind, physically two things start happening simultaneously. One is that the breath loses its normal rhythm. We start breathing harder whenever negativity comes into the mind. This is easy to observe. At a subtler level, a biochemical reaction starts in the body, resulting in some sensation. Every impurity will generate some sensation or the other within the body.

This presents a practical solution. An ordinary person cannot observe abstract defilements of the mind—abstract fear, anger or passion. But with proper training and practice it is very easy to observe respiration and body sensations, both of which are directly related to mental defilements.

Respiration and sensations will help in two ways. First, they will be like private secretaries. As soon as a negativity arises in the mind, the breath will lose its normality; it will start shouting, “Look, something has gone wrong!” And we cannot scold the breath; we have to accept the warning. Similarly, the sensations will tell us that something has gone wrong. Then, having been warned, we can start observing the respiration, start observing the sensations, and very quickly we find that the negativity passes away.

This mental-physical phenomenon is like a coin with two sides. On one side are the thoughts and emotions arising in the mind, on the other side are the respiration and sensations in the body. Any thoughts or emotions, any mental impurities that arise manifest themselves in the breath and the sensations of that moment. Thus, by observing the respiration or the sensations, we are in fact observing mental impurities. Instead of running away from the problem, we are facing reality as it is. As a result, we discover that these impurities lose their strength; they no longer overpower us as they did in the past. If we persist, they eventually disappear altogether and we begin to live a peaceful and happy life, a life increasingly free of negativities.

In this way the technique of self-observation shows us reality in its two aspects, inner and outer. Previously we only looked outward, missing the inner truth. We always looked outside for the cause of our unhappiness; we always blamed and tried to change the reality outside. Being ignorant of the inner reality, we never understood that the cause of suffering lies within, in our own blind reactions toward pleasant and unpleasant sensations.

Now, with training, we can see the other side of the coin. We can be aware of our breathing and also of what is happening inside. Whatever it is, breath or sensation, we learn just to observe it without losing our mental balance. We stop reacting and multiplying our misery. Instead, we allow the defilements to manifest and pass away.

The more one practices this technique, the more quickly negativities will dissolve. Gradually the mind becomes free of defilements, becomes pure. A pure mind is always full of love—selfless love for all others, full of compassion for the failings and sufferings of others, full of joy at their success and happiness, full of equanimity in the face of any situation.

When one reaches this stage, the entire pattern of one's life changes. It is no longer possible to do anything vocally or physically which will disturb the peace and happiness of others. Instead, a balanced mind not only becomes peaceful, but the surrounding atmosphere also becomes permeated with peace and harmony, and this will start affecting others, helping others too.

By learning to remain balanced in the face of everything experienced inside, one develops detachment towards all that one encounters in external situations as well. However, this detachment is not escapism or indifference to the problems of the world. Those who regularly practice Vipassana become more sensitive to the sufferings of others, and do their utmost to relieve suffering in whatever way they can—not with any agitation, but with a mind full of love, compassion and equanimity. They learn holy indifference—how to be fully committed, fully involved in helping others, while at the same time maintaining balance of mind. In this way they remain peaceful and happy, while working for the peace and happiness of others.

This is what the Buddha taught: an art of living. He never established or taught any religion, any “ism”. He never instructed those who came to him to practice any rites or rituals, any empty formalities. Instead, he taught them just to observe nature as it is, by observing the reality inside. Out of ignorance we keep reacting in ways which harm ourselves and others. But when wisdom arises—the wisdom of observing reality as it is—this habit of reacting falls away. When we cease to react blindly, then we are capable of real action—action proceeding from a balanced mind, a mind which sees and understands the truth. Such action can only be positive, creative, helpful to ourselves and to others.

What is necessary, then, is to “know thyself”—advice which every wise person has given. We must know ourselves, not just intellectually in the realm of ideas and theories, and not just emotionally or devotionally, simply accepting blindly what we have heard or read. Such knowledge is not enough. Rather, we must know reality experientially. We must experience directly the reality of this mental-physical phenomenon. This alone is what will help us be free of our suffering.

This direct experience of our own inner reality, this technique of self-observation, is what is called Vipassana meditation. In the language of India in the time of the Buddha, passana meant seeing in the ordinary way, with one's eyes open; but vipassana is observing things as they actually are, not just as they appear to be. Apparent truth has to be penetrated, until we reach the ultimate truth of the entire psycho-physical structure. When we experience this truth, then we learn to stop reacting blindly, to stop creating negativities—and naturally the old ones are gradually eradicated. We become liberated from misery and experience true happiness.

There are three steps to the training given in a meditation course. First, one must abstain from any action, physical or vocal, which disturbs the peace and harmony of others. One cannot work to liberate oneself from impurities of the mind while at the same time continuing to perform deeds of body and speech which only multiply them. Therefore, a code of morality is the essential first step of the practice. One undertakes not to kill, not to steal, not to commit sexual misconduct, not to tell lies, and not to use intoxicants. By abstaining from such actions, one allows the mind to quiet down sufficiently in order to proceed further.

The next step is to develop some mastery over this wild mind by training it to remain fixed on a single object, the breath. One tries to keep one's attention on the respiration for as long as possible. This is not a breathing exercise; one does not regulate the breath. Instead, one observes natural respiration as it is, as it comes in, as it goes out. In this way one further calms the mind so that it is no longer overpowered by intense negativities. At the same time, one is concentrating the mind, making it sharp and penetrating, capable of the work of insight.

These first two steps, living a moral life, and controlling the mind, are very necessary and beneficial in themselves, but they will lead to suppression of negativities unless one takes the third step: purifying the mind of defilements by developing insight into one's own nature. This is Vipassana: experiencing one's own reality by the systematic and dispassionate observation within oneself of the ever-changing mind-matter phenomenon manifesting itself as sensations. This is the culmination of the teaching of the Buddha: self-purification by self-observation.

It can be practiced by one and all. Everyone faces the problem of suffering. It is a universal malady which requires a universal remedy, not a sectarian one. When one suffers from anger, it's not Buddhist anger, Hindu anger, or Christian anger. Anger is anger. When one becomes agitated as a result of this anger, this agitation is not Christian, or Jewish, or Muslim. The malady is universal. The remedy must also be universal.

Vipassana is such a remedy. No one will object to a code of living which respects the peace and harmony of others. No one will object to developing control over the mind. No one will object to developing insight into one's own nature, by which it is possible to free the mind of negativities. Vipassana is a universal path.

Observing reality as it is by observing the truth inside—this is knowing oneself directly and experientially. As one practices, one keeps freeing oneself from the misery of mental impurities. From the gross, external, apparent truth, one penetrates to the ultimate truth of mind and matter. Then one transcends that, and experiences a truth which is beyond mind and matter, beyond time and space, beyond the conditioned field of relativity: the truth of total liberation from all defilements, all impurities, all suffering. Whatever name one gives this ultimate truth is irrelevant; it is the final goal of everyone.

May you all experience this ultimate truth. May all people be free from misery. May they enjoy real peace, real harmony, real happiness.

MAY ALL BEINGS BE HAPPY

The above text is based upon a talk given by Mr. S.N. Goenka in Berne, Switzerland.
Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.

Taṃ nadīhi vijānātha:
sobbhesu padaresu ca,
saṇantā yanti kusobbhā,
tuṇhīyanti mahodadhī.

Sutta Nipata 3.725


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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby PsychedelicSunSet » Mon Oct 14, 2013 12:32 am

I've been vegan for 7 years, and I must say I've never really been bothered by those kinds of people. If you want people to respect your views, you'll have to respect their views as well. Even if they're completely different from your views. People will typically see someone suggesting alternative views, as a challenge to their own/you telling them they're wrong. In my opinion it's much easier to let it be, and try not to even bring it up in the first place.
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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby dagon » Mon Oct 14, 2013 12:36 am

violetyoga wrote:Thank you Paul.

I just have a hard time thinking that a compassionate eye for animals may be wrong compared to an abusive one? I think we can all agree that an animal abuser who kicks dogs or fights them to the death for example, is definitely not "right." or a mother who abuses her child? I think I can accept that as truth or fact - as being wrong and bad.

How then, do we respond to people like that? Do we try to look at the bright side? What do we do about their destruction and abuse to others? Do we have a responsibility? And towards whom?

I'm sorry but I would love some insight on what everyone thinks about this and how they deal with their feelings of hatred and disgust? In my situation, the topic of animal abuse is especially touchy.


Is the only issue the suffering that of the animals. The animals suffering is part of what is wrong. Ask yourself who is suffering. Of course the suffering of the animal is wrong and that is easy to see. However you are also suffering and that is wrong as well. What you need to do is to stop and think about the person who is being unkind to the animals. Can you imagine what is going on in their head, could anyone do those things if they were not suffering.

So you have to have compassion for the animals (which you obviously have) but you also have to have compassion for you self as well AND you have to develop compassion for the abuser.

What you are thinking is part of the truth, what you need to do is reflect on what the rest of the truth is.

The first responsibility is to ourselves because we are responsible for our own suffering and out own liberation. If we are angry then we are going against the teachings of the Buddha – just as the abuser is going against the teachings.
Our second responsibility is to others – that (as hard as it is) includes the abuser. What we need to do is to develop equanimity (which is not indifference). In that state we can most appropriately address the situation.

Anger is never the answer it just adds to the problem.

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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby chownah » Mon Oct 14, 2013 2:28 am

violetyoga,
Seems like you are suffering......seems like because of your suffering you are asking how to deal with certain people so that you can eliminate or reduce your suffering. The key to ending your suffering will not be found in the person you see as the cause of your suffering.....you will find it inside yourself. Your suffering is just as important as the animals' suffering.
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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby violetyoga » Thu Oct 17, 2013 3:37 am

chownah wrote:violetyoga,
Seems like you are suffering......seems like because of your suffering you are asking how to deal with certain people so that you can eliminate or reduce your suffering. The key to ending your suffering will not be found in the person you see as the cause of your suffering.....you will find it inside yourself. Your suffering is just as important as the animals' suffering.
chownah


You are absolutely right chownah. I am suffering and I don't know how to deal with the situation. The words to me are not as painful as the actions. For example seeing photos or shared posts on Facebook of animal abuse and neglect makes my heart ache. I can tuen my ear away from hurtful words.

I've cried before, thinking what can I do for them when they are physically abused and neglected? There are countless animals, children and people out there suffering but the animals always touch me the most. Then I get angry and think those people that do such horrible things should meet the same faith. I know it's wrong but I don't know how else to react and think. It's difficult to justify someone's horrible actions. And what do you do to prevent someone like that from continuing to hurt animals for example? You have to stop them at some point.

How do I begin to deal with my own issues and end my suffering as well? End the stress?
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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby violetyoga » Thu Oct 17, 2013 3:41 am

Dagon. Thank you for your insight. That is the hardest part. To develop equinamity towards someone who does horrible and unkind things. I assume you would agree with me that there still needs to be an intervention that would prevent the person from continuing to harm others. Jail, restraint? I would want to ensure the animals safety first, yes? Then begin to deal with the wrong doer.
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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby retrofuturist » Thu Oct 17, 2013 4:09 am

Greetings Violet,

violetyoga wrote:I've cried before, thinking what can I do for them when they are physically abused and neglected? There are countless animals, children and people out there suffering but the animals always touch me the most. Then I get angry and think those people that do such horrible things should meet the same faith. I know it's wrong but I don't know how else to react and think. It's difficult to justify someone's horrible actions. And what do you do to prevent someone like that from continuing to hurt animals for example? You have to stop them at some point.

How do I begin to deal with my own issues and end my suffering as well? End the stress?

Which "you" is this - is it the plural "you" in terms of society, or is it "you" as an individual?

Personally, I don't take it upon myself to be a super-hero and remove all the world's suffering. I start internally, and get my own inner world right first - which includes not just the divine abidings of compassion and lovingkindness, but sympathetic joy and equanimity too. Equanimity is important for keeping yourself mentally healthy and in check and preventing the rise of unwholesome mindstates - this is crucial in terms of Right Effort. Sympathetic joy enables you to feel good and to provide support and encouragement for those who are doing positive humanitarian acts.

Undertaking humanitarian acts may well be an expression of lovingkindness and compassion for an individual, but if your equanimity isn't up to it, you will suffer and you won't be exhibiting the wholesome qualities you feel are important in humanity. I've met quite a few very angry activists over the years - they didn't seem to be doing themselves or their cause much good by feeling this way. Whilst it wasn't the Buddha who said it as such, I think the phrase "be the change you want to see in the world" has a lot of merit, and if you investigate more deeply about what the Buddha meant when he referred to the "world" (loka), there's strong parallels.

Metta,
Retro. :)
If you have asked me of the origination of unease, then I shall explain it to you in accordance with my understanding:
Whatever various forms of unease there are in the world, They originate founded in encumbering accumulation. (Pārāyanavagga)


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One who is such, calmed and ever mindful, He has no sorrows! -- Udana IV, 7


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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby Sokehi » Thu Oct 17, 2013 8:27 am

if you started meditating already a Metta Meditation might help you to ease your anger towards him/her. I practice this quite often and this helps to lower the accumulated steam by developing empathy.

you can find many good metta meditations on the web, youtube or as a downloadable mp3 to help you in the beginning. Just listen to one of them during your meditation if you so like. Why not give it a go :)

just as an example here is one of the numerous meditations available: http://www.abhayagiri.org/audio/guided-metta-practice

may you be well!
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What does womanhood matter at all, when the mind is concentrated well, when knowledge flows on steadily as one sees correctly into Dhamma. One to whom it might occur, ‘I am a woman’ or ‘I am a man’ or ‘I’m anything at all’ is fit for Mara to address. – SN 5.2

If they take what's yours, tell yourself that you're making it a gift.
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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby violetyoga » Thu Oct 17, 2013 9:08 pm

Retro, I agree. I don't aim to be a hero either. It is impossible. But I feel as though
situations and events surrounding animals seem to follow me. From finding injured animals to walking into situations where I have to act (people abusing animals in public/in my site). These situations I cannot ignore but I do know they my thoughts and emotions are unhealthy and make me unhappy. I would like to change that slowly. I have found everyone's insight very helpful as a start. :)
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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby violetyoga » Thu Oct 17, 2013 9:09 pm

Thank you Sokehi. I will take a look.
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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby dagon » Thu Oct 17, 2013 9:53 pm

Hi Violetyoga

Maybe this may help you to start to overcome your aversion to those who commit act of cruelty and develop metta/compassion for those undertaking such acts. This article is worth reading but in part said;

Most commonly, children who abuse animals have either witnessed or experienced abuse themselves. For example, statistics show that 30 percent of children who have witnessed domestic violence act out a similar type of violence against their pets. In fact, the link between animal abuse and interpersonal violence is so well-known that many U.S. communities now cross-train social-service and animal-control agencies in how to recognize signs of animal abuse as possible indicators of other abusive behaviors.


http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the ... when-worry

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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby retrofuturist » Fri Oct 18, 2013 12:50 am

Greetings,

violetyoga wrote:Retro, I agree. I don't aim to be a hero either. It is impossible. But I feel as though
situations and events surrounding animals seem to follow me. From finding injured animals to walking into situations where I have to act (people abusing animals in public/in my site). These situations I cannot ignore but I do know they my thoughts and emotions are unhealthy and make me unhappy. I would like to change that slowly. I have found everyone's insight very helpful as a start. :)

Keep an open heart, and remain aware of your mindstates. :)

Are you familiar with the Satipatthana Sutta? It provides excellent guidance on how to remain mindfully aware of your experience on a moment-to-moment basis.

Metta,
Retro. :)
If you have asked me of the origination of unease, then I shall explain it to you in accordance with my understanding:
Whatever various forms of unease there are in the world, They originate founded in encumbering accumulation. (Pārāyanavagga)


Exalted in mind, just open and clearly aware, the recluse trained in the ways of the sages:
One who is such, calmed and ever mindful, He has no sorrows! -- Udana IV, 7


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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby chownah » Fri Oct 18, 2013 2:37 am

violetyoga wrote:
chownah wrote:violetyoga,
Seems like you are suffering......seems like because of your suffering you are asking how to deal with certain people so that you can eliminate or reduce your suffering. The key to ending your suffering will not be found in the person you see as the cause of your suffering.....you will find it inside yourself. Your suffering is just as important as the animals' suffering.
chownah


You are absolutely right chownah. I am suffering and I don't know how to deal with the situation. The words to me are not as painful as the actions. For example seeing photos or shared posts on Facebook of animal abuse and neglect makes my heart ache. I can tuen my ear away from hurtful words.

I've cried before, thinking what can I do for them when they are physically abused and neglected? There are countless animals, children and people out there suffering but the animals always touch me the most. Then I get angry and think those people that do such horrible things should meet the same faith. I know it's wrong but I don't know how else to react and think. It's difficult to justify someone's horrible actions. And what do you do to prevent someone like that from continuing to hurt animals for example? You have to stop them at some point.

How do I begin to deal with my own issues and end my suffering as well? End the stress?

There is a lot of good advise given already. I will add one thing that you might consider. Since you become aware of your suffering when you see animals mistreated then at that moment when you see the mistreatment and you feel your own suffering perhaps it would be good to reflect on the First Noble Truth....the truth that there is suffering in the world....and observe how there is suffering internally and there is suffering externally..........Maybe this will be a good start......if you have time and the inclination you might follow this with some thought given to the other three noble truths.
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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby cookiemonster » Sat Oct 19, 2013 7:46 pm

You may wish to read the Kakacupama Sutta ...

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka ... .than.html
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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby SarathW » Sun Oct 20, 2013 7:16 am

Hi
There are lot of good advise given already.

It is not easy to get away from disrespectful things. This is a form or aversion.
Even if you are going to move to an island with no human you still have to deal with people and things that you used to dislike.
In my case I use two stratagies.
A) I try to associate good friends with whom I can have a meaning full discussion even if we agree to disagree with our opinion. Eg: Dhammawheel

B) Try to work with people with compassion towards animals,less advantage people etc.
In my case I am supporting a Tasmanian couple who has deovted their time and resources to protect injured wildlife.
See:

http://pademelonpark.com.au/
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Re: How to deal with people who are disrespectful

Postby bodom » Mon Oct 21, 2013 9:23 pm

There is a famous story of such an encounter between the Buddha and a ‘difficult person’ named Akkosina.Akkosina’s name means “Not Getting Angry” but he was the exact opposite of his name. Akkosina was easily angered and was always angry about something or someone. When he heard that the Buddha did not get angry with anyone he immediately decided to visit him. He went up to the Buddha and scolded him for all sorts of things, insulting him and calling him awful names. At the end of this angry speech, the Buddha asked this man if he had any friends or relatives. “Yes.” Akokosina replied. “When you visit them, do you take them gifts?” the Buddha asked. “Of course, I always bring them gifts.” The angry man replied. “Then what happens if they don’t accept your gifts?” The Buddha asked. “Well I take them home and enjoy them with my own family” “And likewise,” said the Buddha, “You have brought me a gift here today that I do not accept, and so you may take that gift home to your family.”

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka ... .budd.html

There is another story from the Buddhas life that teaches us how to responds to insults and harsh words. The Buddhas rivals had bribed a postitue named cinca to insult and humiliate the Buddha, Cinca tied a bunch of sticks to her belly underneath her rough clothes in order to look like she was pregnant. While the Buddha was delivering a sermon to hundreds of people, she came right out in front of him and said "You rogue. You pretend to be a saint preaching to all these people. But look what you have done to me! I am pregnant because of you." Calmly, the Buddha spoke to her, without anger, without hatred. With his voice full of lovingkindness and compasion, he said to her, "Sister, you and i are the only ones who know what has happened." Cinca was taken aback by the Buddhas response. She was so shocked that on the way back she she stumbled. The strings that were holding the bundle of sticks to her belly came loose. All the sticks fell to the ground, and everyone realized her ruse.

http://www.palikanon.com/english/pali_n ... avikaa.htm

Also see here:

The Unresentful
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/auth ... nresentful

:anjali:
The heart of the path is SO simple. No need for long explanations. Give up clinging to love and hate, just rest with things as they are. That is all I do in my own practice. Do not try to become anything. Do not make yourself into anything. Do not be a meditator. Do not become enlightened. When you sit, let it be. When you walk, let it be. Grasp at nothing. Resist nothing. Of course, there are dozens of meditation techniques to develop samadhi and many kinds of vipassana. But it all comes back to this - just let it all be. Step over here where it is cool, out of the battle. - Ajahn Chah
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