Joke!!!

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.

Re: Joke!!!

Postby Wizard in the Forest » Wed Dec 15, 2010 1:42 am

http://www.sacred-texts.com/bud/bear.htm

The Smoky the Bear Sutra.

So much like a Mahayana Sutra. Inglorious. :jumping: :rofl:
"One is not born a woman, but becomes one."- Simone de Beauvoir
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Wed Dec 15, 2010 5:06 am

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Thu Dec 16, 2010 7:23 am

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby mikenz66 » Thu Dec 16, 2010 8:49 pm

Watch and learn bro ...

Three Australians and three Kiwis are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the
three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Kiwis buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of
the Kiwis.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Kiwis cram into a toilet and close the door
behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet
door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor
takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip
and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the
Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie.
"Watch and learn bro," answers a Kiwi.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Kiwis cram into another nearby. The
train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Kiwis leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on
the door and says, "Ticket please."
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby tiltbillings » Thu Dec 16, 2010 9:08 pm

You know, all you guys are going to go the the Laughter Hell.
This being is bound to samsara, kamma is his means for going beyond.
SN I, 38.

Ar scáth a chéile a mhaireas na daoine.
People live in one another’s shelter.

"We eat cold eels and think distant thoughts." -- Jack Johnson
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby mikenz66 » Thu Dec 16, 2010 9:24 pm

tiltbillings wrote:You know, all you guys are going to go the the Laughter Hell.

Yes, I know, but since I don't have wrong view, so am not a Laughter Hell Denier, I won't be going to the even worse hells... :jumping:

:anjali:
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby tiltbillings » Thu Dec 16, 2010 10:40 pm

mikenz66 wrote:
tiltbillings wrote:You know, all you guys are going to go the the Laughter Hell.

Yes, I know, but since I don't have wrong view, so am not a Laughter Hell Denier, I won't be going to the even worse hells... :jumping:

:anjali:
Mike
You'll end up in the Giggle Hell.
This being is bound to samsara, kamma is his means for going beyond.
SN I, 38.

Ar scáth a chéile a mhaireas na daoine.
People live in one another’s shelter.

"We eat cold eels and think distant thoughts." -- Jack Johnson
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby Kare » Thu Dec 16, 2010 11:07 pm

tiltbillings wrote:You know, all you guys are going to go the the Laughter Hell.


We're developing hasapañña - laughing wisdom. :rofl:
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Kåre
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby tiltbillings » Thu Dec 16, 2010 11:51 pm

Kare wrote:
tiltbillings wrote:You know, all you guys are going to go the the Laughter Hell.


We're developing hasapañña - laughing wisdom. :rofl:
No laughter. We are supposed to be grim.
But then there is that passage in the Patisabhidamagga, but we'll ignore that. We should be like Brother Jorge.
This being is bound to samsara, kamma is his means for going beyond.
SN I, 38.

Ar scáth a chéile a mhaireas na daoine.
People live in one another’s shelter.

"We eat cold eels and think distant thoughts." -- Jack Johnson
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby tiltbillings » Fri Dec 17, 2010 12:03 am

tiltbillings wrote:
Kare wrote:
tiltbillings wrote:You know, all you guys are going to go the the Laughter Hell.


We're developing hasapañña - laughing wisdom. :rofl:
No laughter. We are supposed to be grim.
But then there is that passage in the Patisabhidamagga, but we'll ignore that. We should be like Brother Jorge.
Wait. Brother Jorge? From the movie THE NAME OF THE ROSE? I guess I am going to a hell after all.
This being is bound to samsara, kamma is his means for going beyond.
SN I, 38.

Ar scáth a chéile a mhaireas na daoine.
People live in one another’s shelter.

"We eat cold eels and think distant thoughts." -- Jack Johnson
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Sat Dec 18, 2010 6:15 am

A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He s pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.
He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golf’s and says, “Are you any good?”
The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”
============================================
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
=============================================
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Sun Dec 19, 2010 6:04 am

A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane.
The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.

The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
The poet agreed.

"Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."

The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.

The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"

The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby forest » Sun Dec 19, 2010 6:54 pm

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Re: Joke!!!

Postby forest » Sun Dec 19, 2010 8:59 pm

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Last edited by forest on Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby forest » Sun Dec 19, 2010 9:01 pm

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Last edited by forest on Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby forest » Sun Dec 19, 2010 9:02 pm

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Last edited by forest on Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby forest » Sun Dec 19, 2010 9:03 pm

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Last edited by forest on Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby forest » Sun Dec 19, 2010 9:05 pm

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Last edited by forest on Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby forest » Sun Dec 19, 2010 9:06 pm

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Last edited by forest on Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Sat Dec 25, 2010 8:13 pm

For over 100 years two historic statues one male and one female have stood facing each other in Hyde Park Sydney and suddenly an angel came down from heaven and said as you two have been such exemplary statues all these years I,m going to grant you a special Christmas present.......I'm going to bring you both to life for 30 minutes and you can do whatever you want in that time.

The angel then clapped her hands together and the two statues came to life.

The two shyly approached each other at first and then both made a dash for the bushes.
One could hear a great deal of giggling, laughter, panting and shaking of branches.
Quarter of an hour later they both staggered out of the bushes with big cheesy grins on their faces.
" You still have 15 minutes left " said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue looked to the male statue and said " GREAT ! ".. ....... " Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head "
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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