Joke!!!

A place to discuss casual topics amongst spiritual friends.
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

PARAPROSDOKIAN ....good word that sounds Thai or Sri Lanken , but it's not

It means that the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected .

eg.

* Where there's a will , I want to be in it

* The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list

* If I agreed with you , we'd both be wrong

* Do not argue with an idiot , because he will drag you down to his limit and beat you with experience

* Light travels faster than sound , and that is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak .

* we never really grow up , we only learn how to act in public

* War does not prove who is right , only who is left

* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit , whereas wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

* Evening news is where they begin with ' good evening ' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism , whereas to steal from many is research

* A bus station is where a bus stops and a train station is where a train stops . On my desk I have a work station

* When I fill out an application and it says who to contact in case of emergency I put DOCTOR

* I thought I wanted a career , when it turned out I just wanted pay cheques

* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head , stubbies , thongs and a beer gut and still think they are sexy

* I didn't say it was your fault , I just said I was blaming you

* Behind every successful man is a woman and behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman

* A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory

* I asked God for a Ferrari , but I know God doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked for forgiveness

* Money can't buy happiness , but it sure makes misery easier to live with

* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away

* I used to be indecisive , but now I'm not sure

* You're never too old to learn something stupid

* To be sure of hitting the target shoot first and call what ever you hit THE TARGET

* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be

* Change is inevitable , except from a vending machine

* Going to Church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car

* A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to Hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip

* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were

* I always take life with a grain of salt , plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila

* When tempted to fight fire with fire , remember that firemen usually use water
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Ytrog
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Location: The Netherlands, near Deventer

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Ytrog »

Cooran wrote:A bus station is where a bus stops and a train station is where a train stops . On my desk I have a work station
Have to remember this one :rofl:
Suffering is asking from life what it can never give you.
mindfulness, bliss and beyond (page 8) wrote:Do not linger on the past. Do not keep carrying around coffins full of dead moments
If you see any unskillful speech (or other action) from me let me know, so I can learn from it.
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Kim OHara
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Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara »

* I used to be indecisive , but now I'm not sure.
Along the same lines:
I used to be apathetic but now I couldn't be bothered.

:tongue:
Kim
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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home..... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Here I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhereto be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

* My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
* I had no control over the drooling.
* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Ben
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Ben »

very good!
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR

e: [email protected]..
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Ytrog
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Location: The Netherlands, near Deventer

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Ytrog »

omg, where did you get this one? :rofl:
Suffering is asking from life what it can never give you.
mindfulness, bliss and beyond (page 8) wrote:Do not linger on the past. Do not keep carrying around coffins full of dead moments
If you see any unskillful speech (or other action) from me let me know, so I can learn from it.
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Kim OHara
Posts: 5584
Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2009 5:47 am
Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara »

Ytrog wrote:omg, where did you get this one? :rofl:
It has GOT to be American (no, I'm not going to explain why because I might have to be rude about Americans :tongue: ).
If you like it, you may well like the novels of Carl Hiaasen - equal parts funny, gross and violent, but with a surprisingly moral basic orientation.
Alan, in particular, should read them - they're all set around Florida and the Everglades.

:thinking:
Kim
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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.

NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000...00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS!
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Kim OHara
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara »

For those who don't (yet) follow xkcd:
http://xkcd.com/926/

:namaste:
Kim
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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Great link, Kim! :smile:

===================================
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)

======================================

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

=====================================
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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Kare
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kare »

cooran wrote: ===================================
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)

======================================
My wife just decided not to let me do the shopping ...

:lol:
Mettāya,
Kåre
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Ben
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Location: kanamaluka

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Ben »

Kare wrote:
cooran wrote: ===================================
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)

======================================
My wife just decided not to let me do the shopping ...

:lol:
You showed your wife the joke didn;t you Kare?
You're an evil genius!
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR

e: [email protected]..
User avatar
Kare
Posts: 767
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Location: Norway
Contact:

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kare »

Ben wrote:
Kare wrote:
cooran wrote: ===================================
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)

======================================
My wife just decided not to let me do the shopping ...

:lol:
You showed your wife the joke didn;t you Kare?
Of course! Highly recommended for every married man! :twisted:
Mettāya,
Kåre
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Kim OHara
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara »

Kare's action is a good example of what is technically known as 'Strategic Incompetence'.
I probably don't need to explain further in present company.
:namaste:
Kim
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

SHAMPOO ALERT!! As I was shampooing my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read the bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body!" Now I understand why I am so "full-figured!" I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. it says on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove." It pays to read the warning labels!

-------------------------------------

IRISH CHRISTENING
Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins ... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth,and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot ...
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?

'Denise' says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought ...'I really like Denise '

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies ' Denephew '
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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