Joke!!!

A place to discuss casual topics amongst spiritual friends.
Locked
User avatar
cooran
Posts: 8503
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally.... I assumed you had stolen the car.''
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
User avatar
effort
Posts: 224
Joined: Thu Aug 13, 2009 11:32 am

Re: Joke!!!

Post by effort »

cooran wrote:Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
.....

i laughed as much as that makes my family worried... great...
User avatar
cooran
Posts: 8503
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read “Unique Breakfast” so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
“What’s your ‘Unique Breakfast?’” he asked.
“Baked tongue of chicken,” she replied.
“Baked tongue of chicken?… Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?”
“Just bring me scrambled eggs,” the man replied.
--------------------------------------
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.
-----------------------------------------
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
User avatar
Kare
Posts: 767
Joined: Sun Feb 01, 2009 10:58 am
Location: Norway
Contact:

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kare »

In Norway there are two kinds of goat cheese. There is white goat cheese and there is brown goat cheese.
So how are those cheeses made?
The white goat cheese is made from the white stuff that comes out of the goat.
Mettāya,
Kåre
User avatar
Kim OHara
Posts: 5584
Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2009 5:47 am
Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara »

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?

A: Patio furniture.

:rolleye:
Kim
User avatar
Monkey
Posts: 17
Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2011 10:00 am

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Monkey »

Two pinguins are standing on an iceberg.
The one says: I'll push you off
The other one says: No
User avatar
cooran
Posts: 8503
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
User avatar
Dan74
Posts: 4528
Joined: Sun Mar 01, 2009 11:12 pm
Location: Switzerland

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Dan74 »

Monkey wrote:Two pinguins are standing on an iceberg.
The one says: I'll push you off
The other one says: No
This thread has some of the funniest (and daggiest) jokes, but this one I don't get at all.
(I've retold the ones about the old betting man and the talking dog a few times already!)
_/|\_
User avatar
Kim OHara
Posts: 5584
Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2009 5:47 am
Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara »

WHEN choosing a path in life, try to avoid the psychopaths.

:namaste:
Kim
User avatar
Monkey
Posts: 17
Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2011 10:00 am

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Monkey »

Dan74 wrote:
Monkey wrote:Two pinguins are standing on an iceberg.
The one says: I'll push you off
The other one says: No
This thread has some of the funniest (and daggiest) jokes, but this one I don't get at all.
(I've retold the ones about the old betting man and the talking dog a few times already!)
Sorry then Dan74, it happens to be the funniest joke I know. There really isn't anything to understand about it, but imagining the awkward situation that these two pinguins are in makes me laugh. Maybe it works better in Dutch :tongue:
User avatar
cooran
Posts: 8503
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Accident Report

I am writing in response to your request for “additional information.” In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning” as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope…
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
User avatar
Kim OHara
Posts: 5584
Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2009 5:47 am
Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara »

An excellent argument for reincarnation, Chris!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fx7aoEBt ... re=related
:toast:
PeterB
Posts: 3909
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 12:35 pm

Re: Joke!!!

Post by PeterB »

A man and woman who have never met before find that they have been booked into the same railway sleeper carriage..
After some embarrassment they decide to make the best of it.
He takes the top bunk and she the bottom one.

After a few minutes the man says " Ma'am I am sorry to bother you but could you get me a spare blanket. I'm freezing.."
The woman says..." I tell you what, as its so cold, lets pretend just for tonight that we are married.."
"OK " says the man his face lighting up...
" Get your own damn blanket ! " says the woman.
After a few moments silence the man turns over and farts.
User avatar
cooran
Posts: 8503
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

A man named Marty called his son. “Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset you but I have made up my mind and their is nothing you can do about it.
I have decided to divorce your mother.”

“But dad how can that be “the son asked “you have been married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along?
What happened suddenly?”

“Son, I have made up my mind, and I don’t want you to try to convince me out of it.”
“OK” the son responded “but promise me you won’t do anything until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also.”

Alright” said the father hanging up “you have my word.

“Well” said Marty, turning to his wife “I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have to pay for the tickets.”
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
User avatar
effort
Posts: 224
Joined: Thu Aug 13, 2009 11:32 am

Re: Joke!!!

Post by effort »

a man sold a painted owl instead a parrot to a guy, after a while he ask the guy:" so does he speak?" and the guy replied:" ohh not yet, but he is paying attention very good!"
Locked