Personal Issue: Help Sought

[theravada_guy]

Greetings all,

The things I am about to open for discussion are one of the reasons I really wish I had access to the Sangha. Well, here goes:

I am on a dating site and I made contact with this one girl on there. I really liked her and was interested in her, until she made it known she likes to "smoke and drink sometimes". I asked "smoke cigarettes?" and she informed me it was marijuana that she smokes sometimes. In a later conversation she referred to herself as a "pot head". Now, I don't smoke marijuana or do any drugs other than what are prescribed for me. I don't even drink, not even a casual one here and there. Nor do I use tobacco in any form. I have no intentions of meeting with this girl in person, we are just online friends. Is this acceptable, to be online friends, or would it be advisable to cease contact? Any advice anyone can give me on this, especially if there are any bhikkus on here, would be greatly appreciated.

[Kim OHara]

Hi, Justin,
Commonsense lay opinion, FWIW:
Nothing wrong with chatting to her online, but don't invest too much emotional energy in it: either the conversation will fizzle out because you really don't have enough in common or you will end up wanting to meet, which is not what you really want.


On a more specifically dhammic point, talking to you may be good for her but the she sounds unlikely to aid you progress. [Insert quote of choice about 'dhamma friends.']

Metta,

Kim

[theravada_guy]

Greetings Kim,

Thank you for your advice. You're right, I definitely don't want to meet her in person. We don't really talk all that much. There's only really been one time we had a long conversation.

Yes, Dhamma friends. I could use some of those. There is a city about 45 minutes away that has an Insight Mediation group. They sit for half an hour. I can barely sit for more than ten minutes, so I was waiting to attend until I got to where I could sit for longer periods. They say you can get up and quietly walk around, but I would feel like I would be disturbing the other meditators by doing that. I'm also waiting 'til the weather around here gets better.

Again, thank you for your advice. I figured it was okay to chat online, but wasn't too sure. I know the Internet didn't exist back the Buddha's time, so we don't know for sure what He would say...At least I don't think we do.

[appicchato]

I figured it was okay to chat online, but wasn't too sure.

In the situation your referring to you might ask yourself where, or what, the benefit is...and will this help you in your practice...walking the walk is a full time endeavor...

Be well...

[Mawkish1983]

Plenty of folk here will be (and are) more than happy to be your friend. Sometimes we all get lonely.

What is it you're looking for in a friendship with this woman? Seems like an odd pairing to me, but then I have my own relationship issues.

Anyway, DW isn't always so serious. If you're after some lighthearted but not unwholesome fun, try the lounge

Edit: just looked at the sign on the door, we ARE in the lounge! Whoops. Ignore me, lots on my mind

[theravada_guy]

Greetings all,

To be honest, all the "friends" on my Yahoo Messenger, there's only one I generally ever initiate contact with. Sometimes, even these "friends" don't treat me in the most friendliest manner. If they're having a bad day, sometimes I'm the one it gets taken out on. But generally that's only *if* I initiate the contact. Now, of course, I'm no prince. I have my own issues I'm dealing with. But I try to treat others as I would like to have them treat me. That's the usual way of saying it. I usually just say, "I try not to do things to other people I wouldn't want done to my own person". Same thing, just a different way of saying it. Obviously, I fall short on this at times.

As far as what I'm looking for in a romantic relationship, I'm beginning to think maybe I don't want one as bad as I thought I did. It seems like they all at least drink socially, and most of them have at least one child. My last girlfriend had one child, plus she was pregnant. In the beginning, I thought I could handle it. But then, after awhile, it occured to me that I could not handle two children, especially an infant. So, I did what I thought was fair to the children, and broke up with her. Maybe that's not really fair to her, but the children come as a packaged deal. I'm just not ready to be a father figure yet. Like I said, I have my own issues to deal with right now, before taking on someone else's. It's just too bad I couldn't have realized this sooner. I think I need to just take a break from looking for a girlfriend, and focus on my own stuff. Of course, I wasn't looking for one night stands, but a true, long term, monogamous relationship.

I would greatly appreciate anyone contacting me on Yahoo Messenger to talk, just as long as it's not out of pity, but out of genuine interest in being friends.

[Mawkish1983]

Alas, Y! Messenger isn't my "bag". I used to be a chat addict until very recently, so I'm cutting back. A few of us here use facebook though, if it's privacy you're after. My facebook URL is http://www.facebook.com/mawkish1983" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; . There's a thread full of users' facebook URLs somewhere.

[theravada_guy]

Greetings mawkish,

It's okay. However, I don't use Facebook or any social networking site. I have in the past, but didn't like them. So, I quit using such sites.

[Kim OHara]

So many ways to communicate, yet so few of us end up with the quality of communication we want ...

I haven't come across any real substitute from good old-fashioned face-to-face real-time conversation.
What the others gain in convenience they lose in richness.

Kim

[theravada_guy]

Kim,

Not to mention all the miscommunication that occurs. You could be saying something all nice, calm and gentle, and the other person thinks you're yelling at 'em. It's happened to me. I myself sometimes misinterpret what others are saying. There just isn't a really good way to communicate since there's no tone of voice and things like that. Yes, there are smileys, but they only go so far. So, I understand what you mean about face to face conversation being the best.

[Fede]

sadly, this good ol'fashioned original and timeless method seems to be loosing favour with the young....
They seem to indulge more in 'txtspk with u 2morro nite f u cn b there...'
I frequent a relationships forum, and the times young people come in posing questions like "what does she mean when she...." or "why did he say *such-and-such*...?"
or again "I don't understand, can somebody help? My BF said that *insert comment here*.....but I'm not sure what he wants...."

And predominantly, the response these types of post receive is -
"Why don't you ask him/her?"

with a final reply from the OP...
"Oh, yeah, ok, I didn't think of that........"

Ah the art of worthy and constructive communication...... dying....

[tiltbillings]

Any advice anyone can give me on this,

Don't think with your penis.

[Mawkish1983]

Don't think with your penis.

Excellent advice.

[Almaril]

Greets everyone!
I don't really see what is the problem - the basis of this avoidance - of meeting people who are doing drugs. I am quite new to practical buddhism and just starting to take my spiritual journey into my hands, but this made me wonder.
Specially I am thinking about thc (pot) or psychedelics, such as LSD or mushrooms. Why on one hand I understand that one tries to live a pure life - like the opener of this topic - and get away from addictive and harmful influences I feel that we, human beings are somewhat responsible for each other. And whilethere is the chance of "getting burned" while hanging out in social drinking nights, but making friends and sharing the Dharma with a bit more tolerance towards people can be something really valuable for both peers. Also, my really strong impression through meeting a decent amount of people who are engaged with psychoactive substances - still, mostly thinking about THC, LSD and shrooms - that they are really open to spirituality and does seek connection with the Dharma through these extraordinary experiences.

Am I being too Mahayana?

[Dan74]

So many ways to communicate, yet so few of us end up with the quality of communication we want ...

I haven't come across any real substitute from good old-fashioned face-to-face real-time conversation.
What the others gain in convenience they lose in richness.

Kim

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