Struggling to get over my ex

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.

Struggling to get over my ex

Postby Still Searching » Fri Sep 06, 2013 1:32 am

As most of you who know me well on this site, I'm Autistic and I suffer from anxiety & depression and I'm also transgender.

Well, last year, throughout the summer, my girlfriend left me and broke my heart.
We both were very close friends, I thought she was a wonderful person.
At first, she seemed wonderful, she was cute, beautiful, intelligent, creative, talented, sweet, kind, generous, warm hearted but after we fell in love, her beliefs and friends got in the way of our relationship.
Her friends didn't like me and she ended becoming a homophobe who hates animals and is against Buddhism.
She lied to me and said she didn't care about who I was on the outside, she claimed to love animals and Buddhists.
She said she thinks Buddhists are sweet, kind, caring people and agreed with me that Buddhism leads to a great lifestyle.
She was open about it.
She also said she adored animals and said she can't stand animal abuse and the thought of it makes her feel sick but after her friends made fun of me, she left me and said that being with me would leave her cursed forever.
It really hurt me.
And she turned out to be a liar! She wasn't the woman I thought she was, she turned out to be a liar and sleeps around.

I keep trying to tell myself, she's not who I thought she was and is bad for me but I just can't get her out of my head.
I still love her, even though it's been like nearly 2 years.
She was my world, I adored her.
How could such an amazing woman turn to some cold, heartless being out of nowhere? :cry:

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong forum, I know that the lounge is for random discussions and the others are for Buddhists studies.
"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." ~ Siddhārtha, Gautama Buddha
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Re: Struggling to get over my ex

Postby Jhana4 » Fri Sep 06, 2013 2:03 am

Cliche advice that sounds too simple to try became a cliche ( time honored ) becuase it works. There are other things you can do, but the best thing you can do for right now is to keep busy, to keep your mind occupied. Work more, study more, read more, start a project that demands your attention, etc.. Even better, volunteer and volunteer at something where you get to help people or animals directly. You wil be surprised by how much it makes you feel better.
In reading the scriptures, there are two kinds of mistakes:
One mistake is to cling to the literal text and miss the inner principles.
The second mistake is to recognize the principles but not apply them to your own mind, so that you waste time and just make them into causes of entanglement.
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Re: Struggling to get over my ex

Postby appicchato » Fri Sep 06, 2013 2:17 am

How could such an amazing woman turn to some cold, heartless being out of nowhere?


It's the nature of the beast(like qualities inherent to the human race) friend...the best advice this one ever stumbled across is: 'Let come what comes, and go what goes'...the key word being 'let'...all the best...
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Re: Struggling to get over my ex

Postby SarathW » Fri Sep 06, 2013 4:30 am

“Here it is the ‘sign of woman’ because it is the cause of perceiving as ‘woman’ all
such things as the shape that is grasped under the heading of the visible data
(materiality) invariably found in a female continuity, the un-clear-cut-ness (avisadatá)
of the flesh of the breasts, the beardlessness of the face, the use of cloth to bind the hair,
the un-clear-cut stance, walk, and so on. The ‘sign of man’ is in the opposite sense.

Read Page 22 for more details:
http://bps.lk/olib/bp/bp207h.pdf
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Re: Struggling to get over my ex

Postby BubbaBuddhist » Fri Sep 06, 2013 10:15 am

I have walked in your very shoes, my friend. You weren't in love with her, but in the idea of her. And ideas are very hard to shake.

After a while, her mask fell off. She is a very confused young woman. Alas.

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Author of Redneck Buddhism: or Will You Reincarnate as Your Own Cousin?
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Re: Struggling to get over my ex

Postby Still Searching » Fri Sep 06, 2013 2:34 pm

BubbaBuddhist wrote:I have walked in your very shoes, my friend. You weren't in love with her, but in the idea of her. And ideas are very hard to shake.

After a while, her mask fell off. She is a very confused young woman. Alas.

BB


It's good to know I'm not alone.
She really tore my heart out ( not literally but psychologically).
I was depressed for weeks.
Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, never left home.
She meant the world to me but I guess I wasn't good enough for her or not what she expected. :(
"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." ~ Siddhārtha, Gautama Buddha
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Re: Struggling to get over my ex

Postby BubbaBuddhist » Fri Sep 06, 2013 4:57 pm

It's always painful when our illusions are shattered. Reality often hurts.

However, there are plenty of honest wonderful people worthy of your love. I'm with one now, who delights in my quirky self and wouldn't change a thing.

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Re: Struggling to get over my ex

Postby Digger » Sat Sep 14, 2013 1:15 pm

How could such an amazing woman turn to some cold, heartless being out of nowhere? She was never an amazing woman, you were just deceived by the bait. When the "amazing woman" delusion fades, the reality of what she really always was and is becomes apparent.

The trap you have just experienced has happened to millions of people before you and will happen to millions after you.

One of the basic Buddhist principles is that attachment leads to suffering. Your experience is proof of this truth. No attachment, no suffering. One attachment, one suffering.

Here is a Pali canon link, this one relating to loss due to death but the same principle applies:

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/ud/ud.8.08.than.html

Plenty of other similar suttas relating attachment to suffering can be found.

Time will heal your wound but a scar may remain.

You will get over this.

Learn from your experience. Next time you see "bait", realize the possibility of the trap.

You will be fine.
He is different. He thinks.
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Re: Struggling to get over my ex

Postby Ajisai » Sat Sep 14, 2013 2:27 pm

Same as BubbaBuddhist.

I also loved someone who, in the end, was not the person they seemed/pretended to be. And it actually happened to me twice !

BubbaBuddhist is right when he says that you were not in love with this woman, but the image you thought she was. Most probably, she was a terrible person since the beginning, but was just hiding it from you.
You've not lost this woman. She was not there in the first place. It was just an illusion. But please do not feel bad about not noticing it. It happened to many of us.

You're a good person. Let go of this woman and be happy and calm. You deserve it. :heart:

There are true of animal-loving, Bhuddist friendly women with good friends in this world.
You even might meet one when you get better. :smile:
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