dagon wrote:Hi VictoryInTruth
You have metta and compassion from me – I honestly know how you feel. I nursed my wife on and off for more than 10 years before she passed away from cancer and the effects of many years of treatment.
Lets start with your grief – depression is a very common aspect of grief, so you are very normal. Please recognize that fact. Let me guess it is far more than you lost your mother. I remember being asked by a social worker how I was dealing with the loss of my wife. My response was that is the easy part – what I find so hard is that I lost my best friend. The loss of someone that close leaves more than hole in the heart. There other aspects as well that revolve on being the carer for example. What you are grieving for is your mother, best friend, and the role that you gave yourself in life.
Grief is a process that allows you to readjust – the process must be allowed to happen. All too often the carer finds themselves being left to support others. Do not be afraid to tell them that you have your own grieving to do and your emotional resources are limited.
Have you allowed yourself to really let go and cry – when doing that it is good to have some who you are close to share and give you love. My best practical advice if you have not is to invite a close friend around and watch a movie that is very sad and always makes you cry – once you start to let go for the film the letting go of the emotions inside you natural happens. Remember that you as the carer was the one who always had to be strong for your mother, now it is your time.
My guess is that you are still living in the same house; that the house is full of things that remind you of your mother and in turn of the loss that you have suffered. What worked for me and many others that I have got to do this is to attach a favorite or happy memory to all of those items. That way you can be reminded of the happiness and MOST importantly start to celebrate you mothers life. She would not want your sadness and celebrating a life is always good. When friends or relatives come around recount what those stories are to them. It helps to reinforce them in your head, share happy thoughts with other that knew you mother. I think that she would like to be remembered as someone who brought happiness into the lives of others. Another way of reinforcing those happy memories is to write them down. If you do this on a computer you can print them out or later use them to use then as a family book about your mum. You can also ask others to tell or write down other happy stories.
6 Months down the track at the end of the day I realized that I had been thinking about the wife all day. All of those thoughts were happy ones – it will eventually happen to you as well as unlikely as it feels at the moment.
If you want we can continue the discussion on the forum or by private message
Luke wrote:Hi VictoryInTruth,
I'm sorry to hear about your recent tragedies. Sometimes samsara just totally sucks.
I hope you don't mind some Mahayana-flavored compassion right now!
Teyata Om Bekandze Bekandze Mahabekandze Radza Samugate Soha
Try to eat healthy food. This way, you can help your body heal. It's easy to eat lots of junk food when you're depressed, but that junk food will just make you weaker and more unhealthy. Eat things like vegetables, fruits, whole grains, legumes, some dairy products (if you eat them), and some lean meats (if you eat them).
Also, try to get some minimal exercise everyday. If this is just doing 1 push up and walking around your room once, so be it--it's still something! Try to think like a guy who is going to slowly recover.
I hope you feel better soon, both emotionally and physically.
Do you know any friends with cute pets? Maybe if they bring over their really cute dog or cat for a while, it might lift your spirits!
Aloka wrote:Hi VictoryInTruth,
I'm so sorry to hear about your difficulties. My mother died from cancer, so I can understand how you are feeling.
Just take things very gently and give yourself some time to re-adjust.
Sending lots of good wishes for your health and happiness.
Ben wrote:Greetings Victory
Grief and illness really suck.
Be sure that you are in my thoughts.
However painful and difficult your situation, please do everything you can to look after yourself.
Modus.Ponens wrote:I'm sorry to hear of your loss and your illness.
May you be free from suffering as soon as possible.
She may be right for it is not easy to forget someone that you had lived with for over 40 years of your life.
I live in an apartment and everything here reminds me of my mom. What is helping me get through the grief and sadness is to go out and be among other people. When you are closed up in an environment that fuels the grief, sadness and memories it can really have a negative effect on your mind.
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