Tampa Theravadin.

[connoronealscanlan]

I will be returning to my hometown of Saint Augustine in about two weeks.

Thank you for considering this message, but I must warn you that it is a long story detailing how I recently came to the Dhamma.

I came to Tampa with the intent to get away from my family. This was in September 2015. Substance abuse had slowed my academic career; I started drinking and smoking marijuana at 19 and have yet to complete my B.A. at 26. My addictions culminated in the first instantiation of my "rock bottom" experience when I was arrested for shoplifting from my campus bookstore, enough merchandise to constitute a felony. My humiliation was compounded when I found that my university's newspaper reported on the incident with my full name, noting, too, that at the time, I was not registered for any classes (having lost eligibility for financial aid due to poor performance).

I was given grace and released on recognizance, allowed to participate in a "pretrial intervention program" designed to keep me out of court. However, having returned home to live with my parents, who were and still are endlessly supportive of my recovery from addiction, conflict with my mother (from whom I've inherited my headstrong nature) saw me temporarily homeless. In a strategic move meant to keep myself off the streets, I called 911 and threatened suicide, giving myself a weeklong stay in a local psychiatric ward. Over this time, my parents arranged for me to stay at a nearby rehabilitation center, spending $6,000 of their own money to help me with what unfortunately turned out to be a daycare for grown men with little genuine interest in personal growth. I was, in fact, discharged from the program for continually asking management to help with the constant bullying I was experiencing from men my age or older. In the rush to have all this "personal growth" stuff over with, I brought myself to the third instantiation of my "rock bottom" experience. Unfortunately, I was so emboldened by the pettiness of the management there that I further lost sight of my goal and would ensure I had to experience two more trials before my recovery could begin in earnest.

Following eight weeks of expensive and intensive therapy, I came into conflict with my mother again, and I demanded to be driven three hours down to Tampa where I took up residence in a sober living facility. That my family was still so willing to go out of their way for me, even as I intended to leave them behind, was still completely lost on me. Now alone in a rundown apartment, surrounded by strange alcoholics and addicts in a city I didn't know, I hit the third part of my "rock bottom," and I cried myself to sleep the first night.

Because I left my home county, I had to be drug tested before I could be officially transferred to Tampa, and I tested positive after having abused my own father's anxiety medication. That my family was willing to cover my rent for the week and to drive me back home and then back to Tampa after I was placed on felony probation in court was the first kindness I really began to recognize, but I wasn't quite done yet.

Although I had begun to grow past thinking of my family as my enemies and responsible for my troubles, I merely transferred blame onto the management of the sober living program in Tampa. Weeks of choosing not to go to the day labor office and not to pay rent saw me kicked out, but I was invited back after my mother paid my balance. The manager even spoke to my probation officer, which, since completing the sober living six month program was retroactively made a condition of my probation, saved me from an immediate arrest and possibe prison time. This would be the final part of my "rock bottom" experience, and I couldn't live this way any longer.

So I turned to Buddhism. At first I experimented with Zen Buddhism at the local meditation center (an aikido studio repurposed on Saturdays); I came to the Theravada tradition, finding it more accessible to me and more grounded and concrete.

I am nearing the completion of my program, after which I will return home. The Dhamma‐vinaya gave me the courage to reach out to former friends and even those I hurt before I began using and drinking, for whom I blamed for my pain and predicament until recently, and not only have my old friends congratulated me on my sobriety and await to welcome me home (even after years of not seeing them), I have even mended a relationship with someone I had regarded as my most hated enemy for ten years.

I owe it to the Buddha and the Dhamma that the pain in my life is so quickly fading, and I see now how joyously indebted I am to the miraculous kindness of my friends and family and the people here at Sober Living.

Gratitude is a new and somewhat scary feeling to experience at long last, but it has given me so much happiness in place of bitterness, and access to something else I don't think I've ever truly had before: hope.

I spent ten years in resentment and fear, poisons that were killing me before I ever took that first drink. And a prince gave up his throne so I could have refuge. More miraculous than walking on water is the miracle of the kindness I've been shown.

Thank you, and namaste.

[DNS]

Welcome to DW!

Glad to hear of the ongoing recovery and support you have received.

[cooran]

Welcome Connor! Glad you've found us. I came to Theravada Buddhism (and a little bit of Zen) due to suffering. The Four Noble Truths struck a chord with me.

With metta,
Chris

[bodom]

Wlecome!

[SearchingPeace]

Welcome to this forum Connor
I wish you to find in the Theravada freedom from physical and mental suffering, and interior peace

[Thisperson]

Awesome!

Welcome!

[_anicca_]

Sometimes it takes the most harrowing of experiences to slap us in the face before we realize that we need to change.

Welcome to Dhāmma Wheel

[DC2R]

Hi!

You are on the right path! I recommend reading Toward the Unconditioned. It resonates with anyone that suffers.

[Cormac Brown]

Welcome to DW, Connor, and great news about your recovery. Wishing you further success on your journey towards the highest health, Nibbana.